The Shadow Proves the Sunshine

                I have been told that there is a syndrome frequently experienced by brides. I don’t know what it is called, but in its most basic explanation: “you just cry all the time.” I found that to be interesting, because a girl is supposed to be super duper happy when you’re about to marry the man of your dreams. Right? But when it comes down to it, you’re still a girl. And most girls just bubble and ooze with a minimum of 16 emotions in a moment, and taking that brimful teacup and adding a steady stream of life change and excitement and goodbyes, you’re bound to slosh over onto the saucer every once in a while. Or twice a week. Or hourly. I shouldn’t over generalize, so I won’t say this is the same experience for every woman, and I quickly recognize I am probably more emotional than most. But this is definitely a good summation of the past few weeks.

                My sister once told me that she never used to cry in sad movies, even when the most devastating, unthinkable thing happened. Until she met Dusty and fell in love with the man she was to marry. Now, she cries. I think a lot of it has to do with vulnerability. It takes shedding a layer or two (or several for many) of our hard skin to be in a relationship with someone, especially commit your eternity to one person. Allowing yourself to be completely open and bare to another, imperfect human being leaves you a lot softer than before. I think part of it is also just the encounter with something so good and wonderful, someone you didn’t think could exist, and realizing it could be yours. There have been so many times when I am sent reeling at the blessings I’ve been given, including my fiancé and my job and my family. So many moments where I look at Vaughn and think “I don’t deserve that.” The grace of God that allows you to have that happiness anyway, never questioning what you’ve done to get it, sends you to your knees in thanksgiving and humility. And makes you cry all the time, because what else do you do with all that emotion? It just bubbles up and leaks out your eye balls.

                As I prepare to make this tremendous life change, I realize marriage is the complete melding of two lives. That includes every single part of my life, and his life, including the hard stuff. And somehow, a lot of memories and pain and joy resurface out of nowhere. In preparing to knit the strands of my life with another, I am unraveling the whole roll to see what’s there that I’m actually giving. I’ve analyzed how I grew up and how I turned out how I did, why I do certain things. It’s not something anyone could have warned me about, and it leaves me welling up at the slightest provocation. A child running to his mother, Christmas music, getting a card from your former piano teacher. Through these tears, some happy, some sad, I’ve learned that some of my most valuable lessons were learned from some pretty terrible circumstances. Your heart has to break before God can put it together again. Silver isn’t worth anything until it has been refined in a crazy hot furnace. It was knowing heartbreak and experiencing life without Vaughn that made our life together so certain when he came back. It was life without the Gospel that makes it so important now. It’s the storms that brought me to where I am today—that is, being unbelievably, ridiculously happy. No one could have told me that I could be this happy. An explanation never would have been sufficient. I’ve realized I’m happy because of the trials, otherwise I would not have recognized the blessings. God knows us well, and he knows what lessons we need to learn most. And those are the curveballs he throws. The ones we need. He’s not being cruel, he’s making us strong. And he's making us happy.

                This Thanksgiving, I’m making my usual list of things I’m grateful for, but I’m starting with my trials. They say gratitude is the root of all other virtues, and I think it’s because it transforms all the negative into wonderful things. Being grateful is very much a tapping into the Atonement. It builds bridges to others and mends broken hearts. It helps us see God’s artful hand at work in the details of our lives. It’s basically a kidney punch to the Adversary and messes up his plan, and replaces it with the light and joy of a Heavenly Father. 

For the sake of brevity, I won’t elaborate on these, but here’s the Annual Thanksgiving List. This year, I am thankful for:

• My current 12-hour-graveyard-shift-blue-collar job. 
• Whitworth and picking a major I was not good at. 
• Whitworth’s price (and consequential debt)
• Circumstances of my childhood
• Never being rich.
• Having a six month engagement. 
• Knowing loneliness and heartbreak
• Not having the talents I wish I did
• Not getting everything I want
• Having to work for things
• Not being good at the things I enjoy
• Not growing up Mormon
• Being Mormon now
• Those who helped me become Mormon
• Those who helped me stay Mormon
• My mom, the epitome of sacrifice and charity
• Vaughn, my puzzle piece, the other half to my whole of eternity
• Elyssa, the no-nonsense, hilarious best friend
• My dad, the hardworking, practical business man
• My sister, a slightly different version of myself with a lot more strength and talent
• My brother, the hilarious, hardworking, persistent now-husband
• My grandma, the one who always pushed me and provided me the opportunity to do so
• My friends I still talk to from childhood
• My closest friends that aren’t really geographically close 
• The Durfee family that has adopted me in from the start
• Having a prophet on the earth to guide us
• Having a temple to connect to heaven with
• Living so close to so many temples
• Having a temple in Spokane
• My endowment
• Random acts of kindness
• My new normal-scheduled-schnazzy-lab job
• Selling my housing contract
• Vaughn selling his
• Finding an apartment in the right time
• Working for some of the best people in the world
• That little old woman in the temple who, upon realizing I was engaged, leaned over, squeezed my hand, and whispered to me “I’m a widow, and was married sixty years. Marriage is wonderful.” 
• Inspired local church leaders who took me under their wing
• The various role models for the kind of wife, mother, and woman I’m striving to become
• Being raised with music
• Having people that love me
• Sunshine
• Rainy days
• Sn—actually that’s false. I don’t think I can quite say I’m thankful for snow. I don’t get snow days anymore, so there’s not much use anymore
• Books, movies, articles, people, and experiences that force me to rethink my opinions and perspective
• Slam poetry (specifically the rarities without cussing)
• Post it notes to remind
• Working as an RA
• Vaughn’s safe return home from his mission
• Knowing that people love me
• Being well taken care of
• Not having all the answers, but knowing God can handle them
• Heating and cooling systems
• Sleep to renew us
• Chocolate for those hard days
• Those who saw potential in me
• Those who see in me what I cannot see myself
• Optimistic, happy people
• Genuinely good people who do genuinely good things
• People who use their talents to bless others
• Naps to cope
• Technology progressing to allow me to have access to people, places, and scriptures from my pocket.
• Water to cleanse us inside and out
• Second chances
• Grace
• Moments of inadequacy and resignations to do better
• Bridges being built
• Strong women who embody what it means to be a woman of God, both LDS and of other faiths
• Having a degree
• Unanswered questions
• The invention of treadmills
• The restored Gospel
• The amazing access to information we have
• My savior
• The adventure of living life eternal with your best friend beginning in 34 days

I am thankful that the shadow proves the sunshine. And this Thanksgiving I am thankful for hard things too.

“And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.”
                                                               Doctrine & Covenants 122:7

Treasures Beyond Compare

There’s definitely a reason why I have been otherwise preoccupied with life and have not written a single blog since March.  In six months time, many valuable things have come into my possession.

For example, a college diploma from Whitworth University. In packing up my room at my mom’s place, I realized just what $150,000 looks like: two very full, very heavy boxes full of notes, sheet music, exams, and corrected homework summed up in one slender red, patented leather sleeve with a diploma inside. The material evidence of my college degree hardly sums up the totality of my experience at Whitworth. A sheet of paper saying I have a bachelor’s does not express the sleepless nights and the tears that went into achieving it, nor does it express the victories. It doesn’t encompass the friendships and the character-building interactions, the courage mustered to openly talk about your faith as a latter-day saint at a Presbyterian university, the opportunities to allow your life color mix with the life color of others, allowing you to be a completely different color than you were as a freshman. A diploma, nor a box of class notes, can express the loneliness and crazy joy of travel and living in a foreign country. Your gradepoint does not show how much you learned serving as a resident assistant, nor how a few jobs on campus changed everything. I am so grateful for Whitworth and all I learned and all I experienced at that beautiful, acoustic-loving, flannel-wearing, mason-jar-drinking, Bible-bashing, selfless-serving, ironically-liberal, religious-hodge-podged, good-intentioned, buffet-style-Christian, open-doored place. I am proud to be a Whitworth Alumn. And I am excited to be moving forward.

In my possession have also fallen several indescribable miracles. It was a miracle that housing for the summer worked out perfectly and it was a miracle I was able to find work in Spokane for just three months. Not just any work, I had two jobs, both of which just happened to have opposite schedules, allowing me to work both without hassle. Another is moving to Provo, UT. In that development, I had a roller coaster of a time figuring out where I would be living. Miraculously, after I thought all hope was lost, a room opened in my best friend’s house, which had been my hope all along.  After countless rejections (like months and months of rejections), I also finally landed a job my first full day in Utah. It’s in a lab. Just 45 minutes away from where I live. It’s going to be a bit of an adjustment, but it has been very good so far and will give me some much-needed job experience. 

my handsome brother Brian and his bride

I have also gained a sister-in-law! Seeing my brother so happy at his wedding was indescribable and my family was likewise joyous. She has made such a wonderful impact on my family and especially on my brother, who would be nearly unrecognizable had you met him a few years ago. Her family has welcomed in our family and I am very excited to see where the union of Brian and Britney takes them! 

I have since moved down to Utah and in so doing, gained a framework of mountains. It really is beautiful here. I’ve heard many who move here from Washington state and other greener areas that they miss trees. That much is true. I miss them too, but I have gorgeous views on every side, like the mountains are guardians over us. These provide beautiful views are present from both the valley, even in the deep Salt Lake City downtown, but also many hiking opportunities. 

I have gained the best of roommates, one of which being my best friend (and maid of honor), Elyssa. It is the first time I have ever lived with other Latter-Day Saints and that has been a lovely change. 

I have also had the deep privilege of many very sacred experiences involving the temple. For those of you who do not know, Latter-Day Saints build temples and believe them to be the House of the Lord in as literal a manner as we can conceive. We believe that Christ has walked the halls of our temples and the ordinances are deserving of utmost reverence. I am now blessed to live very close to several temples and even pass three on my way to work alone. I have been able to attend every week and I cannot tell you how much of a blessing that has been. There is a lot of confusion about our temples, so in an attempt to explain better, here are a few links that may help. Also, I love the temple and have no inhibitions in talking about it, so if you have questions, don’t hesitate to ask! 

The greatest possession, seconded only to my temple experiences,  is threefold: my best friend Vaughn returned home from a mission, he gave me a beautiful sparkly ring, and now I have a fiancé. The ring is beautiful, and I adore it, but I am far more excited about being married to my best friend of three years. Honestly, if he had proposed with a ring pop, I still would have said yes because he makes me so unbelievably happy. I’m still in shock that in three months I will be married to such a wonderful man. I am very grateful and pleasantly surprised at how everything worked out. There has been a lot of redemption and blessings in our relationship, and he teaches me how to be better every day. He is evidence that life isn’t fair, and thank heavens for that. Otherwise I would never deserve the tender mercy of such a blessing. 

This outpouring of precious gifts have been very humbling and I know I deserve none of them. I realize though, that this is how it works in God's economy. A dollar in cash does not equal a dollar in goods when you're working with the Father of all creation. If you take a step forward, grace and love propels you miles. With such blessings comes the responsibility and trials to bear them, but I will welcome them with open arms out of gratitude and try my best to never take them for granted. 

you can't buy this kind of happiness.

 "Contend no more against the Holy Ghost, but that ye receive it, and take upon you the name of Christ; that ye humble yourselves even to the dust, and worship God, in whatsoever place ye may be in, in spirit and in truth; and that ye live in thanksgiving daily, for the many mercies and blessings which he doth bestow upon you."
Alma 34:38

they call me a little grown-up.

        Yoga pants, hummus, and blue tape. If I had to describe my semester with items, these would be it.  I very rarely wear actual pants anymore, and I am caught cruising around campus in yoga pants 9 times out of 10 thanks to a marvelous schedule of art classes wedged between dance and pilates. Careful not to mistake this for sarcasm, because truly this is a dream come true. I love that I don’t have a solid block of lecture classes where I practice my talent of falling asleep sitting up and that I get to be moving throughout my day. However, I did have a friend see me in the library on a rare occasion where I was wearing normal clothes. She told me “Why, this is the first time I’ve seen you in clothes!” followed by “oh dear, that makes you sound like a stripper.” when she addressed the general public by saying “Don’t worry folks! This girl, not a stripper!”

During the week, hummus has become a prevalent food group in my diet. This is both by choice, but also out of convenience. Not only do I love hummus, but it has been made readily available to me in bulk amounts. I received a gift card a couple months ago for hummus from one of my favorite stores. Then for Christmas, my father gave me a giftcard to a local restaurant for ten tubs of hummus with varying flavors from jalapeño to lemon zest to chocolate. If that wasn’t enough, the campus coffee shop started carrying hummus and pretzels in convenient containers for on the go. I also recently discovered Trader Joe’s soy and flaxseed tortilla chips, which complement hummus in just the right way. It's really ridiculous the amount of hummus I've consumed in the past couple months.

I have been blessed with the opportunity to be a resident assistant (RA) for my final semester at Whitworth. I was so excited to be able to have this job! And I love it more and more every day I have it. How many people can say they get paid to play party games and make new friends? I have the sweetest boss who inspires me to be better and go outside of my comfort zone. I have an amazing team that supports me and shows me lightyears of patience. I have the funniest women living on my hall you’ll ever meet who welcomed me in so warmly and readily. This job has opened many doors for me and continues to open my eyes to both my weaknesses and my strengths in a very healthy, challenging way. I’ve used more blue tape though than I think I ever have in my life—including the time I made a blueprint of The Office’s office on my dorm room ceiling, lining desks and walls with blue tape. In the dorms, we aren’t allowed to use masking or duct or scotch tape to get things to stick, so we are left to fare with blue painter’s tape. Mostly putting up posters in bathroom stalls and on doors to campus buildings, but often it’s just to make anything stick. I’ve used it to lessen the spill caused from a leaky faucet until maintenance could fix it for real.

This season of my life is a tricky one. I am unbelievably happy with my jobs, my classes, and my relationships. However, this bliss is interrupted with staccatos of utter terror, accentuated with self-doubt, insecurity, and uncertainty about the future. I have been in school for 17 years of my life. I have spent roughly 9 months out of each year going to school Monday thru Friday, with wonderful little weekend breaks in between. A little bit of summer vacation, spring break, and Christmas break. I have come home with homework to do, extracurricular activities on top of that. I have seen my friends in class, studied for tests, written papers, destroyed a rainforest of trees with all the scratch paper I used for equations. I have a system of organization that I have developed for each school year and semester, with binders and agendas and post-it notes. I’ve known exactly where I would be , what I would be doing, from kindergarten through college. While I hesitate to say that I am especially good at school, at least I understand it. I know what is expected of me, when to ask questions, when to study hard and when not to. And now all that is coming to a close. And what lies ahead is not only uncertain, but completely foreign to me.

I cope with most things that make me feel uncomfortable and vulnerable by bolting. I will run and run and run from a situation, a person, or problem. However, this never fixes anything, but rather makes things more miserable. This is what I have been doing for months about the whole job application and figuring my life out.

                                            Basically this is how I feel about entering adulthood.

 I felt that I wasn’t supposed to rush into graduate school immediately after getting my bachelor’s, mostly because I have no idea what I want to do. I have some ideas—work for a science center, quality control, go into research—but in the long run, my career goals are hazy. As someone who is driven by direct goals, not having a direction leaves me ashamedly unmotivated. There are a couple factors coming into play that don’t help this:

a.)                         senioritis. People say things like “I’ve had senioritis since I was a freshmen” to which I respond with a pseudo-grumpy-cat demeanor: No. You don’t. You have no idea what senioritis really is until you are a senior. I thought I had encountered it before. It is like high school graduation, but then I could afford to flounce my way through the last months because I knew at least where I was going afterward. But this time around is a bit different. It is crazy when your entire graduating class is slowly slumping lower and lower in their desks as the weeks draw closer to graduation and we realize that school doesn’t seem to be such a big deal when you have reality looming just around the corner, chock full of bills and cubicles and responsibility threatening to destroy the liberation of your college years.

b.)                        stuck in the present. I am enjoying this semester so much. Especially being an RA, because it’s one of those things that you get as much out as you put in. I have been doing my best to throw myself into the job and try my best to make that my focus. But at the expense of really thinking and preparing for my future. A motto I’ve been living by this semester is “Love the time you have, not the time you wish you had.” I have such a small amount of time left before I leave the Whitworth community I have come to love and adore, I can’t be bothered with thoughts afterwards for fear of diminishing the value of the now.

c.)                         perspective. I really have no idea what I want to do next, but I know where I want to eventually end up, years down the road. My ultimate goal is to have my own home, with a yard and some chillins running around, with a man who loves me and who doesn’t mind when I change the dresser drawer knobs or the color of the living room walls three times a year. A job I love would be nice, but in fact, I would be just as happy being a housewife (sorry Mom). There are jobs I would love, and things I am passionate about that I would like to pursue. But ultimately a career is not how I want to define myself. Nor by my education, nor by my salary, nor by any worldly means. And it is difficult to gather up your passions and make sense of them, and formulate them into a job that is meaningful. There are mountains to climb before I achieve this dream, and I am in no hurry to get there. But it does make choosing the next step difficult when you realize in the end it doesn’t matter too much.

I think the Cheshire cat explains my current state best:  “If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will get you there.” Although I do know long term where I want to end up, there are roughly 39803259083 different paths I could take to get there. Yes, it’s scary and unknown and often you find yourself taking different paths than everyone else around you. And that’s okay. Comparison is the thief of joy, said Teddy Roosevelt, so stop it. Nothing gets accomplished if you are too paralyzed with fear to move. So get up, shake off the fears that are tying up your hands, and just take a step. You can handle one at a time. Don’t overthink, because you there are many things in life you cannot control. Accept, listen, laugh, cry, dance, look stupid, work hard, but most of all, MOVE. Trust that something bigger than yourself is at work, and all you need to do is take a step.