they call me a little grown-up.

        Yoga pants, hummus, and blue tape. If I had to describe my semester with items, these would be it.  I very rarely wear actual pants anymore, and I am caught cruising around campus in yoga pants 9 times out of 10 thanks to a marvelous schedule of art classes wedged between dance and pilates. Careful not to mistake this for sarcasm, because truly this is a dream come true. I love that I don’t have a solid block of lecture classes where I practice my talent of falling asleep sitting up and that I get to be moving throughout my day. However, I did have a friend see me in the library on a rare occasion where I was wearing normal clothes. She told me “Why, this is the first time I’ve seen you in clothes!” followed by “oh dear, that makes you sound like a stripper.” when she addressed the general public by saying “Don’t worry folks! This girl, not a stripper!”

During the week, hummus has become a prevalent food group in my diet. This is both by choice, but also out of convenience. Not only do I love hummus, but it has been made readily available to me in bulk amounts. I received a gift card a couple months ago for hummus from one of my favorite stores. Then for Christmas, my father gave me a giftcard to a local restaurant for ten tubs of hummus with varying flavors from jalapeño to lemon zest to chocolate. If that wasn’t enough, the campus coffee shop started carrying hummus and pretzels in convenient containers for on the go. I also recently discovered Trader Joe’s soy and flaxseed tortilla chips, which complement hummus in just the right way. It's really ridiculous the amount of hummus I've consumed in the past couple months.

I have been blessed with the opportunity to be a resident assistant (RA) for my final semester at Whitworth. I was so excited to be able to have this job! And I love it more and more every day I have it. How many people can say they get paid to play party games and make new friends? I have the sweetest boss who inspires me to be better and go outside of my comfort zone. I have an amazing team that supports me and shows me lightyears of patience. I have the funniest women living on my hall you’ll ever meet who welcomed me in so warmly and readily. This job has opened many doors for me and continues to open my eyes to both my weaknesses and my strengths in a very healthy, challenging way. I’ve used more blue tape though than I think I ever have in my life—including the time I made a blueprint of The Office’s office on my dorm room ceiling, lining desks and walls with blue tape. In the dorms, we aren’t allowed to use masking or duct or scotch tape to get things to stick, so we are left to fare with blue painter’s tape. Mostly putting up posters in bathroom stalls and on doors to campus buildings, but often it’s just to make anything stick. I’ve used it to lessen the spill caused from a leaky faucet until maintenance could fix it for real.

This season of my life is a tricky one. I am unbelievably happy with my jobs, my classes, and my relationships. However, this bliss is interrupted with staccatos of utter terror, accentuated with self-doubt, insecurity, and uncertainty about the future. I have been in school for 17 years of my life. I have spent roughly 9 months out of each year going to school Monday thru Friday, with wonderful little weekend breaks in between. A little bit of summer vacation, spring break, and Christmas break. I have come home with homework to do, extracurricular activities on top of that. I have seen my friends in class, studied for tests, written papers, destroyed a rainforest of trees with all the scratch paper I used for equations. I have a system of organization that I have developed for each school year and semester, with binders and agendas and post-it notes. I’ve known exactly where I would be , what I would be doing, from kindergarten through college. While I hesitate to say that I am especially good at school, at least I understand it. I know what is expected of me, when to ask questions, when to study hard and when not to. And now all that is coming to a close. And what lies ahead is not only uncertain, but completely foreign to me.

I cope with most things that make me feel uncomfortable and vulnerable by bolting. I will run and run and run from a situation, a person, or problem. However, this never fixes anything, but rather makes things more miserable. This is what I have been doing for months about the whole job application and figuring my life out.

                                            Basically this is how I feel about entering adulthood.

 I felt that I wasn’t supposed to rush into graduate school immediately after getting my bachelor’s, mostly because I have no idea what I want to do. I have some ideas—work for a science center, quality control, go into research—but in the long run, my career goals are hazy. As someone who is driven by direct goals, not having a direction leaves me ashamedly unmotivated. There are a couple factors coming into play that don’t help this:

a.)                         senioritis. People say things like “I’ve had senioritis since I was a freshmen” to which I respond with a pseudo-grumpy-cat demeanor: No. You don’t. You have no idea what senioritis really is until you are a senior. I thought I had encountered it before. It is like high school graduation, but then I could afford to flounce my way through the last months because I knew at least where I was going afterward. But this time around is a bit different. It is crazy when your entire graduating class is slowly slumping lower and lower in their desks as the weeks draw closer to graduation and we realize that school doesn’t seem to be such a big deal when you have reality looming just around the corner, chock full of bills and cubicles and responsibility threatening to destroy the liberation of your college years.

b.)                        stuck in the present. I am enjoying this semester so much. Especially being an RA, because it’s one of those things that you get as much out as you put in. I have been doing my best to throw myself into the job and try my best to make that my focus. But at the expense of really thinking and preparing for my future. A motto I’ve been living by this semester is “Love the time you have, not the time you wish you had.” I have such a small amount of time left before I leave the Whitworth community I have come to love and adore, I can’t be bothered with thoughts afterwards for fear of diminishing the value of the now.

c.)                         perspective. I really have no idea what I want to do next, but I know where I want to eventually end up, years down the road. My ultimate goal is to have my own home, with a yard and some chillins running around, with a man who loves me and who doesn’t mind when I change the dresser drawer knobs or the color of the living room walls three times a year. A job I love would be nice, but in fact, I would be just as happy being a housewife (sorry Mom). There are jobs I would love, and things I am passionate about that I would like to pursue. But ultimately a career is not how I want to define myself. Nor by my education, nor by my salary, nor by any worldly means. And it is difficult to gather up your passions and make sense of them, and formulate them into a job that is meaningful. There are mountains to climb before I achieve this dream, and I am in no hurry to get there. But it does make choosing the next step difficult when you realize in the end it doesn’t matter too much.

I think the Cheshire cat explains my current state best:  “If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will get you there.” Although I do know long term where I want to end up, there are roughly 39803259083 different paths I could take to get there. Yes, it’s scary and unknown and often you find yourself taking different paths than everyone else around you. And that’s okay. Comparison is the thief of joy, said Teddy Roosevelt, so stop it. Nothing gets accomplished if you are too paralyzed with fear to move. So get up, shake off the fears that are tying up your hands, and just take a step. You can handle one at a time. Don’t overthink, because you there are many things in life you cannot control. Accept, listen, laugh, cry, dance, look stupid, work hard, but most of all, MOVE. Trust that something bigger than yourself is at work, and all you need to do is take a step.

Zeitgeist Twenty Twelve

          In my spring philosophy class that you will generally hear me complain loudly about, I heard a word that I really liked. Now, it would be important to note that I have an addictive personality, and I became obsessed with the word zeitgeist. I’ve most commonly heard it defined as the “spirit of the times.”  It’s the ideals that define a certain period of time. Evidence of the zeitgeist can be found in several facets of culture: from fashion to art to literature to politics. Since 2000, Google has created these annual “Spirit of the Times” videos based off the top searches for the year. I’m quite fond of them. Here’s this year’s:

I decided that I too would like to analyze my themes for 2012, try to define my own personal zeitgeist. If you don’t care to take a peek deep into the crazy mess that makes up my soul, then you can stop now. This is much more for me than for you, so I assure you I will not be offended. Also keep in mind that these things aren’t necessarily from 2012, but they impacted my year of 2012.

Beautiful Bellingham Fall with my good friend Ethan

                One line that has resounded with me since I heard it earlier this year was “It’s never been a question of if we will fall. The question is how we pick ourselves back up again when we do.” That’s what this year has really been for me—picking myself back up. I would say that 2011 was an incredibly traumatizing year for me in a lot of ways, and 2012 was about making sense of that and struggling to find what makes me come alive again. I’m not here to say that what I struggle with is any more or any less valid or difficult than anyone else. But overall, I just really struggled. A lot of the struggle was with self definition and overcoming major character flaws. Or at least coming to terms that they are there. I had a lot of failures, heart breaks, a bit of culture shock, empty bank accounts, tears and dark moments. But at the same time, there was a lot of joy. Chinese fire drills, forts on my living room floor, I saw Jon Foreman in concert (a personal hero of mine), surprise visits from friends who live faraway, homemade meals, renewed promises, opportunities, liberating road trips, free midnight limo rides. Green ink and tiny handwriting have proven to be my saving grace. Tender mercy has defined this year. It’s very humbling to receive so much that you don’t deserve in the slightest. 

Jon Foreman in concert last spring. Check that off my bucket list!

              This year I was also handed a lot of responsibility I was not remotely prepared for. From organizing monthly regional activities for my church, to working with the university’s risk management department, to accompanying a high school choir. Thankfully, I have advisors and leaders who have a lot of faith in me and showed a lot of patience during the buffer time. I have some great teams to work with too. Words cannot describe the feeling of someone seeing potential in you. I hope to someday be someone who will also see great things in small beginnings and help inspire someone to reach their goals. Because for me, that made all the difference.

This woman  made a huge impact on me this year.

                I’ve noticed that we make a habit of overglorifying busyness. “We” meaning Americans, Latter-Day Saints, college students, young adults, or just humans in general. We think if we’re busy it must increase our worth. We think being busy is the equivalent of being productive, when in fact the opposite is probably truer. But there is a balance we have to keep. I’ve crashed and burned many a time trying to do too many things. So my goal from here on out is to do just enough things to keep myself from being idle, but doing few enough things to do them well. I would much rather be available to my friends and family than to be too overscheduled to be called on in times of need. I intend to prioritize my time doing things that matter, being busy doing good.

Chinese fire drill buddies.
Seriously some of my favorite people.

A lot of my struggle from 2012 was with friendship. I learned that your best friends aren’t the ones you’ve known the longest, aren’t always the ones who were there, but the ones who inspire you to be better. Your best friends not only laugh with you, but cry with you too. Not just the ones who will call you at 1am in the morning just because they missed your call from the afternoon before, but the ones that hear your struggles and accept you in all your flaws. The ones where you don’t have to watch your sexist jokes around and you can be bluntly honest with. The ones who surprise you by doing the dishes or scraping off your car on a frosty night. The ones who open the door for you and trip you as you enter to make sure you don’t take yourself too seriously. The ones who go out of their way to see you and invite you even though they know you already have plans that night. Dear reader, I just want you to know that there is a difference between your “peeps” and a support system. 

This woman means the world to me.
Elyssa Louise, how I love you!

It can be a painful lesson to learn, but it’s a valuable one.  That isn’t to diminish anyone’s individual worth. It isn’t about loving anyone any less. It’s about real, meaningful, deep friendship and doing whatever for the sake of being in someone’s presence. Your best friends will make the time. It’s nothing to be upset about. This world is full of some really wonderful and fantastic people. Too many for one lifetime. So prioritize and know when to hold on and when to let go. 

On a lighter note, a milestone in my year 2012 is that Pinterest replaced StumbleUpon. I learned that I really have a deep love for running, reading, dancing, teaching, serving, and leadership. 

Here are some videos that impacted my 2012, either because it's beautiful, hilarious, or super applicable to me. I assure you, they're each very worth your time.

 My favorite songs of the year 2012 were...[the songs, not necessarily the videos]

Re:stacks

Resolve

Blood

Flaws 

Change 

Apparently this was a year for one-word titles too. At least I'm consistent, right?

Last, but not least, a little tumblr action that kept me pretty entertained for months on end: The Celebrity Ninja Turtle Noses

And now some more pictures!

Childhood bestie, dressed for success.
#endoftheworldrave

My Mama got her Master's! I'm so proud of her!

Christmas cookies with my second family

My wonderful Koinonia Sisters from my theme house this fall

This kid came home! And I am very grateful for him.

A brother's birthday kiss!

Logan Temple from my spring break road trip

A very important gift from my best friend on a mission

Okay, now this is getting pretty scatter-brained. Hopefully you get the idea? In conclusion, some thoughts for the upcoming year I'd like to keep in mind: You choose how you want to be defined and no one can take that right away from you. Laugh a lot, be courageous in pursuing your potential, and keep your heart full of gratitude and your eyes full of sunshine. Remember your priorities and keep humble enough to listen to where Heavenly Father wants you—cuz it’s a whole lot better than where you think you’re going. Thank you to my family and friends for the laughs and tears of 2012. Let’s make 2013 even better, k? 

Sunday Will Come.

                It’s the most wonderful time of the year! The sweet scent of spring break still lingers in your conscience and the bright hope of a semester finishing in just a few short weeks. The glimmers of sunshine that the temperamental weather allows, like a promise of “the best is yet to come!” The days of some of the sorest goodbyes, but also the happiest of hellos. The days of summer planning and brisk morning jogs and countless weddings and engagements. Where stress and the temptation to play Frisbee outside both reach a climax simultaneously. Spring is pretty fantastic, but this is not to what I reference.

                This week is dubbed “Holy Week,” starting with Palm Sunday when the Savior entered Jerusalem and concluding with Easter morning. I feel the power of the Spirit more powerfully imprinted on my heart during this week than any other time of the year, stemming back from those early years playing the Easter Cantata under the direction of an inspired choral director. It’s the opportunity to reflect on Christ. For us to remember. Easter goes much deeper than the sacrifice. It goes deeper than death. The celebration of Easter is not about the cross nor is it even about what occurred at Gethsemane. It’s about grace, love, empowerment and an empty tomb. This truly is the most wonderful time of the year.

                Throughout this life we develop so much death and darkness in our souls just from being on this earth. We have pain, regrets, and misfortunes that infect our very essence. It attempts to crack our testimonies and eat at our divine nature. It’s corrosive and subtle and subtracts hope from your life, demolishes your self worth. Try as we might, we cannot break free of our own strength. It is this very pain and these shadows—that’s why Christ came. He suffered and atoned for us. Not just to make us clean, but to make us whole. To enable us to be better. He doesn’t wash us clean and then push us back out there to fend for ourselves. He washes our filthy feet and picks us up off the floor and carries us to where we need to be, training us to walk when we have the strength. He died to give us life, to give us hope, to break bonds and free us of addiction and vice. He doesn’t just want us to live without sin, he wants us to live abundantly.

                I think baptism is beautiful. To be completely immersed in water and come up suddenly clean, with that victorious splash as you are pulled up out of the water. When we are completely immersed in the water, surrounded by darkness, when the sounds of life are muddled, that represents death. Though important, I would wager that full immersion is not the most important part, just as the most important day is not Good Friday. It's that Easter morning, breaking through the water and rising again. And may I emphasize that you do not bring yourself out of the water? There is that strong hand on your back that brings you out of the water for our own personal resurrection.That's what grace is, and let me assure you, it is indeed sufficient. 

                “Each of us will have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays.

But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death—Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come.

No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come.”

This is an excerpt from one of the best talks ever written, by Joseph B. Wirthlin. 

I guess the point I’m wanting to get across is that I want to understand the real Easter message. I want it to "click" in my life, yearround, not just Holy Week. I want to be grateful that someone loves me (and you!) enough to die and atone for all the sins I’ve committed and who has gone to the depths to understand exactly what I feel and experience. But most importantly, I want to live my life empowered by the atonement. Live life brighter, be better. I don't want to accept merely “clean,” but sparkling, because Christ cut every bond that is holding me back.

To answer Job’s timeless question: “If a man should die, should he rise again?” And the resounding question through all creation and eternities is: Yes. The fingerprints of God are everywhere if you look for them, and throughout everything is threaded the ribbon of the Atonement. If I know nothing else, this I know deep in my bones. Christ arose. He conquered. The grave could not hold him, and through Him, we too can be conquerors.

Happy Easter everyone. Next time you see those crosses that spring up every Easter in decorations and cards, do me a favor and close your eyes and imagine instead an empty tomb. Because that's what it's about. A dear friend once said "I don't wear a cross necklace to show my faith in Christ. And they don't make empty tomb necklaces, so I guess I'll have to live my life in a way that shows I know the reason Christ died and that I know for a fact that He lives." I hope you all have wonderful celebrations with your family and loved ones! 

Confluence.

It’s been a long draught for this blog of mine. It has been lingering on my to-do list for weeks, but I could not resist the once in four year opportunity to post on the 29^th of February. So even though I am up to my ears in lab reports and philosophy reading, here I am doing what a college student does best: procrastinating. 

But to the advantage of all you eager readers sitting at the edge of your seats, I will tell you I got home safely to spend the holidays with my family and loved ones! The transition back was hot and cold, but I think I’ve gotten into the swing of this whole “a-MER-icah” thing. I may write more about this later, but right now I’m going to talk about Lyon.

This was one of my favorite places to visit. There are several factors that go into an opinion of a city. I have a theory that one’s experience depends 30% on where you came from, 40% who you’re with, 20% trip preparation, and 10% of the experience of the place itself. It’s all relative, and it’s hard to define. But let me try to explain what I mean:

Where you came from: If you’ve never seen a waterfall, your first one is always incredible. But if you’ve seen Iguazu Falls, anything else that claims to be a waterfall isn’t too impressive. 

Who you’re with: I loved being in Lyon because I was with two charming Australian girls, one who knew her way around the city very well and another who is just the best travel companion ever. But I remember other trips to amazing places and being less than enthused because I didn’t feel connected to the company. It’s always nice to surround yourself with people who keep you laughing, help you grow, accept you for who you are, and at least one person who knows what’s up. 

Trip preparation: do you know where you’re going? Do you have that handy-dandy student trip advisor that will take you to cheap Michelin-style restaurants that will give you a genuine gourmet experience? What museum will give you the best bang for your buck? What history do you want to touch with your fingertips? If I had known half the history of all the cathedrals and cities I had the privilege to see… But retrospect is 20/20. 

The experience of the place itself: Lyon is an amazing city. It is clean and pulsing with life. It has the most beautiful fountain ever, my favorite cathedral up on a hill. The sunshine came out to warm my soul also that day too. I think the most beautiful aspect of Lyon though is that it has two powerful rivers coursing through it: the Rhone and the Saone.  

I am really drawn to rivers. They are so powerful and full of meaning. Many metaphors have been inspired by their coursing paths, but my current fancy is by a certain Heraclitus: You could not step in the same river twice. That is things are always changing and nothing will be the same as it was. I remember this when I miss France because if I go back, it will be different than when I left. And I certainly experienced this when I came back. Three months is not a long time, but Spokane is different. My family is different, my dorm is different, and my ward is different. But probably most importantly is that I’m different.  But the beautiful thing is that the river of experiences I had in France can flow into the river of the life I left behind. Their confluence is significant and beautiful, just as the many confluences to come will be vital and noteworthy as well. 

But when the crashing waves of those two rivers smooth out and the flow of everyday life in what one could call “home” calms, I find myself humbled and grateful.   

hello Pend Oreille.