How to Not Be a Jerk on the Internet: An Open Letter to Myself

Dear Rebecca,

The internet should be used as a tool to connect people, spread information, and to make the world a little smaller. It is a double-edged sword. Proper and appropriate use of the internet can and has benefited humanity as a whole on a grand scale, but acting immature, unkind and ungrateful for the gift of the internet has dastardly consequences that hurts human progression. I write this letter out of concern. You have been guilty of the latter for the past few months. Political tensions are high and your sense of justice may be considered admirable by some, but is contrary to your personal ethos.

In 2011, E. Dallin H. Oaks spoke about Truth and Tolerance: “As modern transportation and communication have brought all of us into closer proximity to different peoples and different ideas, we have greater need for tolerance. …

“This greater exposure to diversity both enriches our lives and complicates them. We are enriched by associations with different peoples, which remind us of the wonderful diversity of the children of God. But diversities in cultures and values also challenge us to identify what can be embraced as consistent with our gospel culture and values and what cannot. In this way diversity increases the potential for conflict and requires us to be more thoughtful about the nature of tolerance.”

You have left embers in your wake with your fiery, sometimes cruel words. Is that what you stand for? Is that what you want to be known for? No. That is not who you are. My dear, “be loyal to the royal within you.”  You are a daughter of God, a disciple of Christ. You are called to be better. To be the light, not someone who breeds darkness and bitterness like a monster pouring black paint on other’s artwork. 

Allow me to remind you what you stand for. You stand for conversation, not argument. You believe the internet can be a tool to not just connect people to their friends and family, but to expand their horizon of thought. It is a tool for understanding those you may never meet, and learning about circumstances beyond your experience to increase your empathy for your fellow man. You stand for what is spoken of in Ephesians 4:29, “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may , minister grace unto the hearers.”  You believe in edifying your brothers and sisters in Christ, and those who have a different faith, or no faith at all. You believe “in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men…If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, [you] seek after these things” (13th article of faith). First and foremost, you believe in loving people—and that includes people who disagree with you. 

Here are some guidelines to keep in mind when interacting on the interwebs to bring light to those of your acquaintance.

1. Respect people

You often see people with posts that say “If you do such-and-such thing, you’re an idiot,” That’s telling people that based on your opinions (not your actions, not who you are), you are unworthy of respect. They are not. He or she is someone’s parent, friend, sibling, child. Regardless of their point of view, they are a child of God. They are our brother or sister and have the right to be treated with love and kindness. And when you humanize someone, they are far more likely to respond kindly back than if you treat them like an imbecile.

Even worse, you are more likely to disrespect those you do not know. It’s easy if all you know about someone is their name (or sometimes even just their username). They aren’t a breathing, feeling, complete human being in your mind. They’re just a voice on Facebook who disagrees.  I would urge you to remember that people are still people. Every disagreeing voice on Facebook is still a human being. 

2. Eliminate the US vs THEM mentality.

A house divided cannot stand, right? Rebecca, in your self-proclaimed perspective, you attribute the polarity issue in our country as the number one obstacle to beneficial development. Then you go and play into it yourself. 

 Progress in our country will only be reached when we realize that people have different opinions and different perspectives, but all are trying to make the United States better. This article expresses this point very thoroughly. Polarizing people, blaming one side for the downfalls of our nation, is insipid. We have problems because we are a nation run by people, and nothing man ever creates is without flaw. There should be no Republicans vs Democrats, no White vs Black (or any people of color), no Rich vs. Poor, no Men vs. Women, no Christians vs. Atheists. 

For example, no, the democrats are not trying to ruin the country by letting Muslims in, and no, Republicans aren’t trying to be racist jerks by not letting them in. If there was fluid, incorrupt communication between the two, we would see democrats are acting out of compassion and republicans are acting in defense of their families and well-being. Both sides have good intentions. If everyone had an honest conversation, there would be less mud-slinging and more learning. Hearts would soften because you’re hearing about someone’s experience rather than someone’s “wrong” opinion. 

Marvin J. Ashton has a quote that says, “Woe unto those who feast on the dirt and the distasteful instead of the fruits.”

3. Don’t respond in kind when others are not kind. 

Sometimes, even when you play nice, there are people who will not. Be humble enough to apologize when you need to, but have enough self-respect to walk away from a cat fight that’s a-brewing. That’s what “turn the other cheek” means.

When Christ was confronted before the Sanhedrin in Matthew 26, it is said his response to the high priest was simply that he “held his peace” (verse 63).  Rebecca, you can learn a lot from what Jesus said, but you can also learn from his silence. Sometimes, especially on the internet where any amount of careful wording can be misconstrued, silence is the kindest, most respectful option.

Ellen DeGeneres said this when she was given the People’s Choice Humanitarian Award: “It’s a little strange to actually get an award for being nice and generous and kind. Which is what we’re all supposed to do with one another. That’s the point of being human.” And I would add, that is a huge part of being Christian.

4. Cool your jets. 

Don’t shop for groceries when you’re hungry. 

Don’t send a letter when you’re angry. 

Don’t make legal decisions when you’re on painkillers. 

Don’t drive when you’re upset. 

And don’t post on Facebook when you’re feeling overly passionate. 

A representation of what internet arguments look like.

You have strong opinions, Rebecca. That is evident. You feel a lot by nature, and community is important to you. That’s pretty normal. Most people want that. But when someone who you thought would be on your side turns out to have very different opinions, you lash out in indignation—and yes, burn bridges. Your first response is usually the natural man, so take a step back, take a walk, go index, go clean something and think about what specifically upset you. Is this person your friend? Would starting a conversation about your opinions be helpful or hurtful? If you can’t approach it with a level head, just keep scrolling. Or better yet, go do something useful with your time. 

5. Value people.

“Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God;” (Doctrine & Covenants 18:10)

Everyone is entitled to an opinion. If you had the entirety of someone’s life experiences, their economic situation, their family life, their education, or their faith system, you may very well have their exact same sentiment. My husband often says “If you know someone’s story, it makes it hard not to love them.” I think that’s really true. If someone agrees with you, you feel this burning desire to explain why you think the way you do. Don’t you think others have the same desire? So hear them out, and pray that they hear you out too. Who knows, maybe that’ll start a conversation that leads to progress. Maybe you’ll change your mind. And that’s more than okay. That’s what we’re called here to do. We are meant to grow, and learn and become more educated—and guess what? Sometimes that means changing your mind. If you haven’t changed your mind about anything, you haven’t learned anything. 

Before posting, ask yourself these questions: 

• Is it edifying?
• Will it be heard well and correctly by those you are communicating with?
• Are you responding in anger or genuine desire to have a conversation?

If there is one thing I hope to take out of this life, it’s to learn to value people over being right. 

This year will be challenging for you. It’s an election year. You’ll be tempted to post things you find funny, but may offend someone or lead to bickering in the comment section. Sometimes you’ll get riled up. Sometimes you’ll be hurt by posts from your friends. Some friends will say things like “if you vote this way, delete me.” Don’t. You will see posts you think are bigoted, racist, small-minded, ridiculous, sexist, nonsensical and some absolutely crazy--and it will be from people you like. Just let it go. This horrendous season called "election year" will pass, and relative peace will return to your news feeds. The cat videos and selfies will return soon enough.

Remember who you are and remember who everyone else is too. That is, they are your brothers and sisters on this speck of blue in the vastness of the cosmos. 

Remember that the world is changed by your example, not your opinion. Go and do better than you have.

And first and foremost, remember to love your fellow inhabitants of the earth. 

with love,

Yourself

Humble Pie and Healing.

          I pride myself in being a very independent person. My mom says I’ve been like this since I was little. From telling my grandma I wanted mayonnaise on my banana bread to wanting to play my own player at a board game, I was a stubborn little girl who always wanted to do things by myself. To this day, I love being independent and “grown up.” I was anxious to get my driver’s license when I was 16. I was anxious to have a job as soon as it was legal. I’ve filed my own darn taxes since I was 17. I enjoy making lists and schedules and meal plans and budgets.  This may come as a surprise to some of you (*cough*sarcasm*cough*) but I am a control freak. I know. SURPRISE!

 Well, Heavenly Father knows when to knock us off our high-horses, and it was about time for me to cram down some humble pie. I have had to be extremely dependent on others. As of today, I have not been able to drive nor walk very far for 22 days, and although I was permitted to return to work, I had to stay at my desk for two weeks. For my job, I usually spend 70% of my time in the lab. As I recover from surgery, it has been a challenge for me.  

What happened is I broke the tibial sesamoid in my right foot by landing wrong after a pirouette. It was my senior year of college, about three years ago. There was a sharp pain in my right foot, but it didn’t bother me after that. I thought nothing of it until I moved to Utah and decided I really wanted to run a half marathon. As I increased my weekly mileage my foot would just ache. I kept trying to ease into it slower and slower, iced it, massaged it, but regardless of how easy I took my runs, my foot was hurting worse. I sought out a podiatrist here in Utah. X-rays showed that I had broken a sesamoid in both feet, but my left foot was asymptomatic (which just means it’s worked itself out and doesn’t hurt). The left injury probably happened while I was running at some point and I just didn’t notice. My doctor said it wasn’t common to have both broken, but since my foot is hyper mobile, meaning it moves laterally more than most feet do, I am prone to it. Just like my mom.

                I inherited some really wonderful things from my mother. Her graceful hands, her empathy for others, her optimism, her deep emotions, her gumption, her concern for others. But unfortunately, I also inherited her feet. Her small, slender feet with high arches and hyper mobility. Weak feet with a tendency to break. In fact, she broke both her sesamoids too! How cute are we.

My doctor gave me some options before talking about surgery, but the pain was increasing. Last year I realized I couldn’t do yoga anymore. Hiking was out. Running was definitely out. I was confined to specific types of strength training because lunges, which put vertical pressure directly on your sesamoid, had become a special type of torture.  

After over a year of other attempts, I opted for the surgery—a tibial sesamoidectomy, to be exact, which is a big, big word for “Let’s take this broken bone out!”  I was pretty freaked out about it. I’ve never had surgery before, unless you count getting wisdom teeth taken out. When I had my pre-operation appointment, my doctor was explaining exactly what they would do in as sensitive a way as he could, but I almost passed out. He noticed my pallor and stopped with the gruesome details and then spoke about my options for anesthetic. He explained general anesthetic, a lighter general anesthetic called MAC, or just local anesthetic. When he went to the last option, he said “but I definitely wouldn’t recommend that for you, because then you’d be awake for it.”Another wave of nausea came over me.

When I talked to my mom about my pre-op, she started laughing.

“What!?” I asked.

“I just didn’t know you were such a wimp!” My mother said she had just gotten the local anesthetic. I was astonished. I mean, I knew my mom is pretty thug. But she was awake for the entirety of her surgery?! She could see all the blood, she could hear the sound of her foot being mangled up, and could smell all the great smells that accompany surgery. Man, my mom is a champ! Beneath her bubbly exterior, she is one tough cookie.  

I was pretty shaky and weepy the day of the surgery. I had this irrational fear that the anesthetic wouldn’t work and I would just be paralyzed but conscious. My wonderful husband gave me a priesthood blessing, and that helped. The surgery was done at Orem Community Hospital and I was superbly impressed with the staff there. They answered all sorts of silly questions and explained everything really thoroughly. They made me laugh, which is really important for me when I’m anxious and stressed. I met all of the nurses and doctors who would be working on me face to face before being rolled into the surgery area. Honestly, the worst part was getting the IV put in. I usually have great veins.  I donate blood often and have never had a bad experience.  But the combination of dehydration from fasting and nervous jitters made my veins shrink. They had to go through my hand, which was pretty uncomfortable. This easily could have been my first bad experience with needles, but the nurse was awesome so it turned out okay.

                When I woke up after the surgery, my sweet husband was next to me. He was on his phone and I asked him what he was doing. He said he was texting his mom. LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE. He was writing down the loopy things I was saying, because I had actually been awake and chattering away for a while before I was really conscious of it. Which, kudos to him, because it was hilarious. I’m glad he was there to document it.

Here are some of the things this crazy nut says when she gets out of surgery:

Me: "Where is the doctor?"
V: "He's gone."
Me: "You mean he bailed!?!?!?!"

"The prep was the worst part...this feels amazing!"

"Can I see the bone?" (I asked this several times, even though I told Vaughn specifically I didn’t want to see it the day before)

Said with great emphasis: "I'm coming back!!!!"

"If you're going to die, this is the way to go; just fall asleep, man..." This is, in fact, how Rodney Dangerfield wanted to die. I totally get it.

"Why was I freaked out about this...the worst part was poking the IV in... (looking down at my hand) Which is still here!!!!!!!!"

V: "Why don't you try to eat something."
Me: "That's like, the best suggestion you've made..."

Nurse: "Here is some apple juice".
V: "Hey, drink your apple juice."
Me (drinking apple juice): "Hey! This is apple juice!!!"

                Since then, I have been simply doted upon. My friend Ashley came and stayed with me the first day when Vaughn had to go to school. My friend Morgan brought me M&Ms and gum. The Browns brought me dinner.  My in-laws sent me this mondo care package that consisted of a butler’s bell to ring for help and enough snacks to build a fort with. I received phone calls, texts, and messages galore just checking in with me to see if I needed anything.

                And then there was Vaughn. My husband, AKA WORLD’S BEST TEAMMATE AND SWEETEST HUSBAND OF ALL TIME. He went above and beyond anything I could have imagined or asked for. That was extremely humbling for me. I strive to be the one to take care of him. In this time of our married life, I get to be the bread-winner, I get to make him dinner, I drive us most places. He remembered to do everything the nurses suggested. He sent me text reminders to hobble around like I was supposed to every hour while he was at school. He did the exercises assigned to make sure I had adequate blood flow to my toes and to check for blood clots. He made me dinner—something he’s not the most familiar with doing. But he did so very cheerfully. He brought me ice packs and took them off at the right times. He even set alarms to wake up throughout the night to put ice packs on and off, even though I said he shouldn’t worry about it at night. But he insisted because the nurses said the first 24 hours were the most important to keep the swelling down. He did this for three nights. THREE NIGHTS. He was sweet without being asked, he was sensitive to my needs. He would bring me a blanket when he knew I forgot. He kept my water filled up consistently. He bought me meds from the store. He took on the glamorous job of helping me bathe when I couldn’t do it by myself. This man is a champ. I don’t know what I ever did to deserve him. It’s not like he doesn’t have a full plate. He has a really challenging semester. He has enough to worry about without a gimp wife.  But he never complained. He’s an angel. I can’t give this man enough accolades.

                Another aspect of this surgery was giving up piano for a while. We had just purchased a digital piano, which I have fallen in love with. It’s been so long since I’ve had a piano in my home, basically since I moved out of my mom’s place, that it has been a major treat to have a piano again. But I had to give up a couple months of accompanying my ward’s choir. It’s a silly thing, and I know there are many people capable and willing to take my place. But I’m really selfish, and it’s something I really enjoy doing. It took a lot of effort to admit I couldn’t do it for a while.

                To be honest, I really like feeling needed. And for a few weeks, I felt basically useless. I didn’t cook dinner. I didn’t put on make-up. I didn’t go grocery shopping.  I didn’t do much. And I was so powerless that I had to allow people to help me, and I was extremely humbled to see how many people were sincerely willing to help me. Heavenly Father has placed special people in my life to help me feel loved. Not needed, just loved.

                It was a tender reminder that we don’t need to do anything to receive God’s love. We come to him as we are and plop ourselves before him, with our messy buns and clumsy words, and he shows us that we are his beloved, divine daughters.  Heavenly Father would be so happy to take care of His children, if we just place the precious pearl of our lives into his very capable hands.

                Today, I am grateful. I needed this surgery more than just physically. My heart is softened and I felt a layer of calloused pride be stripped away. I have been watched over and administered to by angel friends and family. Healing has come quickly. The incision is scarred up, discoloration almost nonexistent, most mobility has returned.  I never felt much pain, just some discomfort from a nerve which I realized for the first time this evening no longer hurts. I have high hopes of running again. I still want to do a half marathon. I also look forward to dancing and hiking and going on walks with my husband and practicing yoga.  You guys, I am so excited.