How to Not Be a Jerk on the Internet: An Open Letter to Myself

Dear Rebecca,

The internet should be used as a tool to connect people, spread information, and to make the world a little smaller. It is a double-edged sword. Proper and appropriate use of the internet can and has benefited humanity as a whole on a grand scale, but acting immature, unkind and ungrateful for the gift of the internet has dastardly consequences that hurts human progression. I write this letter out of concern. You have been guilty of the latter for the past few months. Political tensions are high and your sense of justice may be considered admirable by some, but is contrary to your personal ethos.

In 2011, E. Dallin H. Oaks spoke about Truth and Tolerance: “As modern transportation and communication have brought all of us into closer proximity to different peoples and different ideas, we have greater need for tolerance. …

“This greater exposure to diversity both enriches our lives and complicates them. We are enriched by associations with different peoples, which remind us of the wonderful diversity of the children of God. But diversities in cultures and values also challenge us to identify what can be embraced as consistent with our gospel culture and values and what cannot. In this way diversity increases the potential for conflict and requires us to be more thoughtful about the nature of tolerance.”

You have left embers in your wake with your fiery, sometimes cruel words. Is that what you stand for? Is that what you want to be known for? No. That is not who you are. My dear, “be loyal to the royal within you.”  You are a daughter of God, a disciple of Christ. You are called to be better. To be the light, not someone who breeds darkness and bitterness like a monster pouring black paint on other’s artwork. 

Allow me to remind you what you stand for. You stand for conversation, not argument. You believe the internet can be a tool to not just connect people to their friends and family, but to expand their horizon of thought. It is a tool for understanding those you may never meet, and learning about circumstances beyond your experience to increase your empathy for your fellow man. You stand for what is spoken of in Ephesians 4:29, “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may , minister grace unto the hearers.”  You believe in edifying your brothers and sisters in Christ, and those who have a different faith, or no faith at all. You believe “in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men…If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, [you] seek after these things” (13th article of faith). First and foremost, you believe in loving people—and that includes people who disagree with you. 

Here are some guidelines to keep in mind when interacting on the interwebs to bring light to those of your acquaintance.

1. Respect people

You often see people with posts that say “If you do such-and-such thing, you’re an idiot,” That’s telling people that based on your opinions (not your actions, not who you are), you are unworthy of respect. They are not. He or she is someone’s parent, friend, sibling, child. Regardless of their point of view, they are a child of God. They are our brother or sister and have the right to be treated with love and kindness. And when you humanize someone, they are far more likely to respond kindly back than if you treat them like an imbecile.

Even worse, you are more likely to disrespect those you do not know. It’s easy if all you know about someone is their name (or sometimes even just their username). They aren’t a breathing, feeling, complete human being in your mind. They’re just a voice on Facebook who disagrees.  I would urge you to remember that people are still people. Every disagreeing voice on Facebook is still a human being. 

2. Eliminate the US vs THEM mentality.

A house divided cannot stand, right? Rebecca, in your self-proclaimed perspective, you attribute the polarity issue in our country as the number one obstacle to beneficial development. Then you go and play into it yourself. 

 Progress in our country will only be reached when we realize that people have different opinions and different perspectives, but all are trying to make the United States better. This article expresses this point very thoroughly. Polarizing people, blaming one side for the downfalls of our nation, is insipid. We have problems because we are a nation run by people, and nothing man ever creates is without flaw. There should be no Republicans vs Democrats, no White vs Black (or any people of color), no Rich vs. Poor, no Men vs. Women, no Christians vs. Atheists. 

For example, no, the democrats are not trying to ruin the country by letting Muslims in, and no, Republicans aren’t trying to be racist jerks by not letting them in. If there was fluid, incorrupt communication between the two, we would see democrats are acting out of compassion and republicans are acting in defense of their families and well-being. Both sides have good intentions. If everyone had an honest conversation, there would be less mud-slinging and more learning. Hearts would soften because you’re hearing about someone’s experience rather than someone’s “wrong” opinion. 

Marvin J. Ashton has a quote that says, “Woe unto those who feast on the dirt and the distasteful instead of the fruits.”

3. Don’t respond in kind when others are not kind. 

Sometimes, even when you play nice, there are people who will not. Be humble enough to apologize when you need to, but have enough self-respect to walk away from a cat fight that’s a-brewing. That’s what “turn the other cheek” means.

When Christ was confronted before the Sanhedrin in Matthew 26, it is said his response to the high priest was simply that he “held his peace” (verse 63).  Rebecca, you can learn a lot from what Jesus said, but you can also learn from his silence. Sometimes, especially on the internet where any amount of careful wording can be misconstrued, silence is the kindest, most respectful option.

Ellen DeGeneres said this when she was given the People’s Choice Humanitarian Award: “It’s a little strange to actually get an award for being nice and generous and kind. Which is what we’re all supposed to do with one another. That’s the point of being human.” And I would add, that is a huge part of being Christian.

4. Cool your jets. 

Don’t shop for groceries when you’re hungry. 

Don’t send a letter when you’re angry. 

Don’t make legal decisions when you’re on painkillers. 

Don’t drive when you’re upset. 

And don’t post on Facebook when you’re feeling overly passionate. 

A representation of what internet arguments look like.

You have strong opinions, Rebecca. That is evident. You feel a lot by nature, and community is important to you. That’s pretty normal. Most people want that. But when someone who you thought would be on your side turns out to have very different opinions, you lash out in indignation—and yes, burn bridges. Your first response is usually the natural man, so take a step back, take a walk, go index, go clean something and think about what specifically upset you. Is this person your friend? Would starting a conversation about your opinions be helpful or hurtful? If you can’t approach it with a level head, just keep scrolling. Or better yet, go do something useful with your time. 

5. Value people.

“Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God;” (Doctrine & Covenants 18:10)

Everyone is entitled to an opinion. If you had the entirety of someone’s life experiences, their economic situation, their family life, their education, or their faith system, you may very well have their exact same sentiment. My husband often says “If you know someone’s story, it makes it hard not to love them.” I think that’s really true. If someone agrees with you, you feel this burning desire to explain why you think the way you do. Don’t you think others have the same desire? So hear them out, and pray that they hear you out too. Who knows, maybe that’ll start a conversation that leads to progress. Maybe you’ll change your mind. And that’s more than okay. That’s what we’re called here to do. We are meant to grow, and learn and become more educated—and guess what? Sometimes that means changing your mind. If you haven’t changed your mind about anything, you haven’t learned anything. 

Before posting, ask yourself these questions: 

• Is it edifying?
• Will it be heard well and correctly by those you are communicating with?
• Are you responding in anger or genuine desire to have a conversation?

If there is one thing I hope to take out of this life, it’s to learn to value people over being right. 

This year will be challenging for you. It’s an election year. You’ll be tempted to post things you find funny, but may offend someone or lead to bickering in the comment section. Sometimes you’ll get riled up. Sometimes you’ll be hurt by posts from your friends. Some friends will say things like “if you vote this way, delete me.” Don’t. You will see posts you think are bigoted, racist, small-minded, ridiculous, sexist, nonsensical and some absolutely crazy--and it will be from people you like. Just let it go. This horrendous season called "election year" will pass, and relative peace will return to your news feeds. The cat videos and selfies will return soon enough.

Remember who you are and remember who everyone else is too. That is, they are your brothers and sisters on this speck of blue in the vastness of the cosmos. 

Remember that the world is changed by your example, not your opinion. Go and do better than you have.

And first and foremost, remember to love your fellow inhabitants of the earth. 

with love,

Yourself