A New Look.

Hi friends!

I just wanted to give you a heads up that I have transitioned into a different site. I wanted to take time to re-orient what I want for my blog and to hone in on its purpose for me and my followers. That has materialized into another layout on another website host. You can find my new site at http://luxandflux.wordpress.com

Yes, another blog titled with foreign words. This one is Latin! Lux means "light" and flux means "flow" or "change." I think this better epitomizes my intentions in my writing. My hope is to untangle the messiness of life and its constant changes while seeing the bright side. My main intention is to edify any and all who come to stop by for a read.

In this new site, you will find more recommended podcasts, more discussions on books, more lists, more uplifting thoughts, and more frequency of posts. I hope you join me there!

The Pregnancy Monster

So, I'm pregnant. I'm closing in on the halfway mark of the pregnancy, and HUZZAH. I hear the second half is way more mind-blowing. Many friends and family have inquired about how it's been for me. I have strived to document this whole precious experience, especially since it's so different for every woman and every baby. I want to be able to look back and know what pregnancy was for me personally. And maybe I'll share more about how first trimester was later. But right now I want to focus on what's happening now. (don't worry, you didn't miss much with first trimester. It was literally just me sleeping all the time, and when I wasn't sleeping I was whining about not being able to eat. Boooooring.)

I had a couple of women sitting behind me in our stake meeting this morning, and I overheard this conversation:
Lady A: Oh my gosh, you have to tell me, what is it like being pregnant? I've always wondered!
Lady B: Um, well, for the most part I just feel like a monster. 
hashtag RELATABLE. 

How far along: 19 weeks

Size of baby: According to my Ovia app, a ripe papaya. 

Weight gain: -8lbs

Maternity clothes: Nope, but I have been doing this tricky thing where by the end of the day I use a hair-tie to extend the top button of my pants!

Sleep: I always start with the good intention of sleeping on my side, but always always end up on my back. 

Symptoms: Heart burn, aches, light-headedness, but most importantly: I have MAD mood swings! Sometimes I'm laughing so hard at the same Joe Biden - Obama meme that I've read every day for a week and sometimes I'm ugly crying at a season finale of Parks and Rec-- but nothing compares to the sob-ocalypse that was the episode of Michael Scott leaving The Office. Now Vaughn reads the description of a Sponge Bob episode and has to make sure I can handle it. 

I'm not crying. You're crying.

Food cravings: This changes daily, but it's almost always something from my childhood. Like a McDonald's cheeseburger with mayonaise only. Or these cookies from Safeway.
I don't live by a Safeway, but thank goodness I found a knock-off at CVS. 

Food aversions: Chicken. I just. can't. In anything. 

Bump: Sort of? I lost about ten pounds first trimester and I haven't gained much of it back yet. But it seems that all my chub is disappearing from my thighs and love handles and is congregating into this great little beer-belly. It's starting to shift lower (thus the hair-tie on the pants trick), but still not sure if it counts as an official "bump." Needless to say, none of my clothes fit right and it all feels peculiarly like puberty...  

Thoughts: During first trimester, I was so blase about  being pregnant. I would see these cute baby reveals on Pinterest and see how excited new moms were about their positive pregnancy tests on social media and while I enjoy it when other people put in that effort, just thinking about doing that myself, exhausted me. I really thought I would be that bubbly new mom who wanted all the information about my changing body, and the development of my miracle baby. I foresaw the reading of books and blogs and listening to all the podcasts I could find. I thought I was the type of person to have a cutsie baby reveal and to put a lot of thought and effort into a gender reveal. I thought I would be all about posting all the details on social media. I thought I would be DYING to know the gender. But I really wasn't. I had women tell me I just HAD to get an early ultrasound and it was so worth the $40 or $100 to find the gender at 12 weeks. But I really don't care. Maybe that excitement will come, but for now I'm grateful for this peaceful calm before the imminent hurricane of change.

As I get a lot of my energy back, I find myself getting more excited every day for this little baby. Finally, I can maybe do a bit beyond the survival mode of first trimester. I enjoy being around friends again! I'm now doing 5% of the apartment cleaning rather than negative 3%! I went on my first grocery run in a while where I bought more than just mac and cheese! I KNOW I DESERVE THE NOBEL PRIZE. Buuuut... I still crash like an old PC by 8 o'clock each and every night.

The best part of the pregnancy so far has been how it has affected my marriage. But it has also been the hardest part. It almost feels like we're newlyweds again. There's that strain of new territory coming. We talk about all the Big Things that we haven't touched on in a while. We've shared goals and bounced many ideas for our future back and forth. We've more closely aligned our goals, and continue to work to do so. Plus, as I've been an emotional, weepy, hangry, scary swamp creature the past few months, I have renewed gratitude in the man who I married. He cleans the house, he doesn't complain (even when I have no dinner planned for the 8th night in a row), he is the epitome of work ethic, he makes me laugh when I'm fussy, and he makes me want to be a better person. I am so grateful to have him by my side. 

pc: Francis Photography

My 2017 Reading List

It's a little late for New Year's Resolutions, but a month ago I was anti-social and too exhausted to post on anything on social media. So, bear with me here. I deserve a high-five at least cuz "better late than never," amiright?

I have a couple of personal resolutions that I've been working on, but one is to read (and finish reading) books that have sat stagnant on my to-be-read list. I have this mile-long list of books to read (have you seen my Goodreads account? it's ridiculous), but that tends to get placed on the back burner because...reasons. So this year, I have a list of books I would like to read in 2017! I've never done this before, but I think it will help me avoid some reading fatigue. It has a lot of diverse genres and authors and I'm pretty stoked about it. 

Here's what I considered while making these lists:

1. Avoid letting my hold list determine what I read. I have a bad habit of putting 18 books on hold at the library and having them all become available during the same week. Deadlines sooooort of make me really anxious and then I don't enjoy the book as much! It's silly. 

2. Read the books you own! Duh. I take my owned books for granted, cuz I can allegedly read them anytime.

3. Stop getting stuck on authors. I do this thing where I find an author I like and read everything she / he has written until I hate the English language (sorry John Green, you didn't deserve that). 

4. Read long books. You're an adult now. You can read big, long, hefty books. Stop being Gaston, you're obviously a Belle.  

TBR List for 2017

Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis
Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte
*ALL of Sherlock Holmes by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
The Enoch Letters by Neal A. Maxwell
I Am Malala by Malala Yousafzai
Hero, Second Class by Mitchell Bonds (I know the author!)
Baghdad Burning by Riverbend (one my husband has wanted me to read for ages)
The Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway
Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand
Les Miserables by Victor Hugo
The Princess Diarist by Carrie Fisher (rest in peace, General)
Isaiah for Airheads by John Bytheway
Dracula by Bram Stoker
A Casual Vacancy by JK Rowling
Brave New World by Aldous Huxley
The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie by Allan Bradley
*Out of the Silent Planet series by CS Lewis
Something by Sheri Dew
Something by F. Scott Fitzgerald
Something (Sense and Sensibility) by Jane Austen
Something by Charles Dickens
Something by Agatha Christie
Something by Jules Verne
Something by Amy Tan

*currently reading
I'll be crossing them off as I finish them. 

Have you read any of these? How do you plan what you read next? I LOVE talking about books, so hit. me. up. I'd love to hear suggestions! 

Happy reading, friends!

"Ridiculous and Incredibly Sci-Fi."

When I see this picture, two things run through my mind: "Wonder of wonders, miracles of miracles!" (for those Fiddler on the Roof fans out there) but also to quote the beautiful Amy Poehler, "It's all ridiculous and incredibly sci-fi." 

Sometimes I think gaze fondly at the picture of the little bean shape thing in my abdomen, and other times I look on with a mix of horror and befuddlement. Why is this how reproduction works? We learn about where babies come from when we're 8 years old and maybe when we're a kid we think it's gross. Then we "grow-up" and then it's just a part of life. And BAM, it happens to you and you're 8 years old again and thinking "This is actually a really weird thing." 

This really weird thing is something I am so grateful for though. I have close friends struggling with infertility and I am well aware how lucky I am. I've thought about this a lot. God hasn't specifically trusted me over someone else to have this baby. There are many women who come to mind who will make remarkable mothers someday but haven't had that opportunity yet. They strive to do what is right, they are beautiful daughters of God, and bring a lot of light and joy to this world. When I found out I was pregnant, my first thought was about how ill-prepared I am for motherhood. I thought of those wonderful women I look up to so much, and how unfair it is that I get this opportunity before them. It seems unfair that this hot mess over here gets to have a baby in her while others much more equipped are left to wait. Yes, every child is a blessing, but I am not more blessed. Pregnancy is not a reward for great faith or some good work, and it's crucial in this modern era of social media posting about every good thing that happens to us, to recognize that.  

Don't mistake: I am elated to be pregnant. But it also felt like it came completely out of left field. Back in November I briefly wrote about the difficulties we were having to start a family. I felt that was the beginning of our journey, and lo and behold: I was already growing a human. I was utterly astounded as I saw that solid second line indicating I was pregnant. I wasn't taking a pregnancy test to see if I was pregnant. I wasn't expecting to be pregnant. It was just part of the routine I was on to try to figure out what was going on with my body. Do whatever the doc tells me what to do for one cycle. Make sure there's no baby. Go back to doctor and repeat. There was nothing promising in any of my test results for about 8 months, and I wasn't holding my breath. I was convinced my first positive was one of those false positives you hear about. So I took another one. It's really rare to have ONE false positive, so with two I assumed I was somehow pregnant. However, I was convinced it was a ectopic pregnancy or a chemical pregnancy, and waited with bated breath for the sign of blood. 

It didn't come. I even called my clinic to run blood tests. They were confused about why I was calling and wanted to be tested. I think they thought I didn't want to be pregnant; I kept asking things like "but what if it's not viable?" It just didn't seem possible to me because my previous tests indicated I wasn't ovulating at all. I honestly was expecting a miscarriage until I heard the thrum-thrum-thrum of its heartbeat in our first ultrasound. What a weird noise to represent such a miracle! That's when it felt real. (This is a big deal because when a heartbeat is detected, the chance of miscarriage drops by 70%.)

While some take the heartbeat as when it's socially acceptable to tell people about the pregnancy, I hesitated. I really didn't want to. It all feels so private and personal, and I wanted to soak it all up, just me and my husband. It became evident that our family needed to know, since I was reaching the peak of my food aversion and morning sickness right when we would be around them for Christmas vacation and I wanted to tell them before showing obvious signs of it. But I wanted to cherish the secret, wrap it up in the tissue paper of my choosing and hide it from the Mommy Bloggers, and people who want to see pictures of my insides and those who want to touch my belly and who want to tell me how I have no idea what I'm in for and want to shower me with their unsolicited opinions. I wanted to keep it between my husband and I. In fact, for the past several months I have been quite hermit-ish. I just wanted to roll up in a soft blanket, read, avoid all human contact, and just feel the miracle of my abdomen making space for an infant to grow. To quote Amy Poehler once again (last time, I promise): 

"I didn't tell anyone at first, as you are supposed to keep it secret. It's a really magical time, those first few weeks. It almost makes you wish you didn't have to tell anyone, ever. You could just watch your belly grow bigger and no one would be allowed to ask about it and you would have your baby and a year later you would allow visitors to finally come and meet your little miracle." 

But this is not just about me. It's about my husband too, and my sweet husband has been so patient. He was so excited to tell people, and I wanted people to know that Vaughn finally gets to be a father. He's going to be a great one. We told our families. We told some close friends. That felt safe. Then we made it public, and it felt very jarring and invasive. I don't mean this to sound like it was a bad thing. I don't regret the timing. I was just surprised. I had never realized how much it places any woman in an extremely vulnerable position though. This knowledge gives you a keyhole view into something beautiful, miraculous, and private. Please be kind. This is new for me. For us, my husband and I. And allow us the space to ride this roller coaster called pregnancy as we choose. 

I have appreciated all the support and love we have felt. There has truly been an outpouring of love that has made my heart swell. Thank you.