A New Look.

Hi friends!

I just wanted to give you a heads up that I have transitioned into a different site. I wanted to take time to re-orient what I want for my blog and to hone in on its purpose for me and my followers. That has materialized into another layout on another website host. You can find my new site at http://luxandflux.wordpress.com

Yes, another blog titled with foreign words. This one is Latin! Lux means "light" and flux means "flow" or "change." I think this better epitomizes my intentions in my writing. My hope is to untangle the messiness of life and its constant changes while seeing the bright side. My main intention is to edify any and all who come to stop by for a read.

In this new site, you will find more recommended podcasts, more discussions on books, more lists, more uplifting thoughts, and more frequency of posts. I hope you join me there!

The Pregnancy Monster

So, I'm pregnant. I'm closing in on the halfway mark of the pregnancy, and HUZZAH. I hear the second half is way more mind-blowing. Many friends and family have inquired about how it's been for me. I have strived to document this whole precious experience, especially since it's so different for every woman and every baby. I want to be able to look back and know what pregnancy was for me personally. And maybe I'll share more about how first trimester was later. But right now I want to focus on what's happening now. (don't worry, you didn't miss much with first trimester. It was literally just me sleeping all the time, and when I wasn't sleeping I was whining about not being able to eat. Boooooring.)

I had a couple of women sitting behind me in our stake meeting this morning, and I overheard this conversation:
Lady A: Oh my gosh, you have to tell me, what is it like being pregnant? I've always wondered!
Lady B: Um, well, for the most part I just feel like a monster. 
hashtag RELATABLE. 

How far along: 19 weeks

Size of baby: According to my Ovia app, a ripe papaya. 

Weight gain: -8lbs

Maternity clothes: Nope, but I have been doing this tricky thing where by the end of the day I use a hair-tie to extend the top button of my pants!

Sleep: I always start with the good intention of sleeping on my side, but always always end up on my back. 

Symptoms: Heart burn, aches, light-headedness, but most importantly: I have MAD mood swings! Sometimes I'm laughing so hard at the same Joe Biden - Obama meme that I've read every day for a week and sometimes I'm ugly crying at a season finale of Parks and Rec-- but nothing compares to the sob-ocalypse that was the episode of Michael Scott leaving The Office. Now Vaughn reads the description of a Sponge Bob episode and has to make sure I can handle it. 

I'm not crying. You're crying.

Food cravings: This changes daily, but it's almost always something from my childhood. Like a McDonald's cheeseburger with mayonaise only. Or these cookies from Safeway.
I don't live by a Safeway, but thank goodness I found a knock-off at CVS. 

Food aversions: Chicken. I just. can't. In anything. 

Bump: Sort of? I lost about ten pounds first trimester and I haven't gained much of it back yet. But it seems that all my chub is disappearing from my thighs and love handles and is congregating into this great little beer-belly. It's starting to shift lower (thus the hair-tie on the pants trick), but still not sure if it counts as an official "bump." Needless to say, none of my clothes fit right and it all feels peculiarly like puberty...  

Thoughts: During first trimester, I was so blase about  being pregnant. I would see these cute baby reveals on Pinterest and see how excited new moms were about their positive pregnancy tests on social media and while I enjoy it when other people put in that effort, just thinking about doing that myself, exhausted me. I really thought I would be that bubbly new mom who wanted all the information about my changing body, and the development of my miracle baby. I foresaw the reading of books and blogs and listening to all the podcasts I could find. I thought I was the type of person to have a cutsie baby reveal and to put a lot of thought and effort into a gender reveal. I thought I would be all about posting all the details on social media. I thought I would be DYING to know the gender. But I really wasn't. I had women tell me I just HAD to get an early ultrasound and it was so worth the $40 or $100 to find the gender at 12 weeks. But I really don't care. Maybe that excitement will come, but for now I'm grateful for this peaceful calm before the imminent hurricane of change.

As I get a lot of my energy back, I find myself getting more excited every day for this little baby. Finally, I can maybe do a bit beyond the survival mode of first trimester. I enjoy being around friends again! I'm now doing 5% of the apartment cleaning rather than negative 3%! I went on my first grocery run in a while where I bought more than just mac and cheese! I KNOW I DESERVE THE NOBEL PRIZE. Buuuut... I still crash like an old PC by 8 o'clock each and every night.

The best part of the pregnancy so far has been how it has affected my marriage. But it has also been the hardest part. It almost feels like we're newlyweds again. There's that strain of new territory coming. We talk about all the Big Things that we haven't touched on in a while. We've shared goals and bounced many ideas for our future back and forth. We've more closely aligned our goals, and continue to work to do so. Plus, as I've been an emotional, weepy, hangry, scary swamp creature the past few months, I have renewed gratitude in the man who I married. He cleans the house, he doesn't complain (even when I have no dinner planned for the 8th night in a row), he is the epitome of work ethic, he makes me laugh when I'm fussy, and he makes me want to be a better person. I am so grateful to have him by my side. 

pc: Francis Photography

My 2017 Reading List

It's a little late for New Year's Resolutions, but a month ago I was anti-social and too exhausted to post on anything on social media. So, bear with me here. I deserve a high-five at least cuz "better late than never," amiright?

I have a couple of personal resolutions that I've been working on, but one is to read (and finish reading) books that have sat stagnant on my to-be-read list. I have this mile-long list of books to read (have you seen my Goodreads account? it's ridiculous), but that tends to get placed on the back burner because...reasons. So this year, I have a list of books I would like to read in 2017! I've never done this before, but I think it will help me avoid some reading fatigue. It has a lot of diverse genres and authors and I'm pretty stoked about it. 

Here's what I considered while making these lists:

1. Avoid letting my hold list determine what I read. I have a bad habit of putting 18 books on hold at the library and having them all become available during the same week. Deadlines sooooort of make me really anxious and then I don't enjoy the book as much! It's silly. 

2. Read the books you own! Duh. I take my owned books for granted, cuz I can allegedly read them anytime.

3. Stop getting stuck on authors. I do this thing where I find an author I like and read everything she / he has written until I hate the English language (sorry John Green, you didn't deserve that). 

4. Read long books. You're an adult now. You can read big, long, hefty books. Stop being Gaston, you're obviously a Belle.  

TBR List for 2017

Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis
Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte
*ALL of Sherlock Holmes by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
The Enoch Letters by Neal A. Maxwell
I Am Malala by Malala Yousafzai
Hero, Second Class by Mitchell Bonds (I know the author!)
Baghdad Burning by Riverbend (one my husband has wanted me to read for ages)
The Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway
Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand
Les Miserables by Victor Hugo
The Princess Diarist by Carrie Fisher (rest in peace, General)
Isaiah for Airheads by John Bytheway
Dracula by Bram Stoker
A Casual Vacancy by JK Rowling
Brave New World by Aldous Huxley
The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie by Allan Bradley
*Out of the Silent Planet series by CS Lewis
Something by Sheri Dew
Something by F. Scott Fitzgerald
Something (Sense and Sensibility) by Jane Austen
Something by Charles Dickens
Something by Agatha Christie
Something by Jules Verne
Something by Amy Tan

*currently reading
I'll be crossing them off as I finish them. 

Have you read any of these? How do you plan what you read next? I LOVE talking about books, so hit. me. up. I'd love to hear suggestions! 

Happy reading, friends!

"Ridiculous and Incredibly Sci-Fi."

When I see this picture, two things run through my mind: "Wonder of wonders, miracles of miracles!" (for those Fiddler on the Roof fans out there) but also to quote the beautiful Amy Poehler, "It's all ridiculous and incredibly sci-fi." 

Sometimes I think gaze fondly at the picture of the little bean shape thing in my abdomen, and other times I look on with a mix of horror and befuddlement. Why is this how reproduction works? We learn about where babies come from when we're 8 years old and maybe when we're a kid we think it's gross. Then we "grow-up" and then it's just a part of life. And BAM, it happens to you and you're 8 years old again and thinking "This is actually a really weird thing." 

This really weird thing is something I am so grateful for though. I have close friends struggling with infertility and I am well aware how lucky I am. I've thought about this a lot. God hasn't specifically trusted me over someone else to have this baby. There are many women who come to mind who will make remarkable mothers someday but haven't had that opportunity yet. They strive to do what is right, they are beautiful daughters of God, and bring a lot of light and joy to this world. When I found out I was pregnant, my first thought was about how ill-prepared I am for motherhood. I thought of those wonderful women I look up to so much, and how unfair it is that I get this opportunity before them. It seems unfair that this hot mess over here gets to have a baby in her while others much more equipped are left to wait. Yes, every child is a blessing, but I am not more blessed. Pregnancy is not a reward for great faith or some good work, and it's crucial in this modern era of social media posting about every good thing that happens to us, to recognize that.  

Don't mistake: I am elated to be pregnant. But it also felt like it came completely out of left field. Back in November I briefly wrote about the difficulties we were having to start a family. I felt that was the beginning of our journey, and lo and behold: I was already growing a human. I was utterly astounded as I saw that solid second line indicating I was pregnant. I wasn't taking a pregnancy test to see if I was pregnant. I wasn't expecting to be pregnant. It was just part of the routine I was on to try to figure out what was going on with my body. Do whatever the doc tells me what to do for one cycle. Make sure there's no baby. Go back to doctor and repeat. There was nothing promising in any of my test results for about 8 months, and I wasn't holding my breath. I was convinced my first positive was one of those false positives you hear about. So I took another one. It's really rare to have ONE false positive, so with two I assumed I was somehow pregnant. However, I was convinced it was a ectopic pregnancy or a chemical pregnancy, and waited with bated breath for the sign of blood. 

It didn't come. I even called my clinic to run blood tests. They were confused about why I was calling and wanted to be tested. I think they thought I didn't want to be pregnant; I kept asking things like "but what if it's not viable?" It just didn't seem possible to me because my previous tests indicated I wasn't ovulating at all. I honestly was expecting a miscarriage until I heard the thrum-thrum-thrum of its heartbeat in our first ultrasound. What a weird noise to represent such a miracle! That's when it felt real. (This is a big deal because when a heartbeat is detected, the chance of miscarriage drops by 70%.)

While some take the heartbeat as when it's socially acceptable to tell people about the pregnancy, I hesitated. I really didn't want to. It all feels so private and personal, and I wanted to soak it all up, just me and my husband. It became evident that our family needed to know, since I was reaching the peak of my food aversion and morning sickness right when we would be around them for Christmas vacation and I wanted to tell them before showing obvious signs of it. But I wanted to cherish the secret, wrap it up in the tissue paper of my choosing and hide it from the Mommy Bloggers, and people who want to see pictures of my insides and those who want to touch my belly and who want to tell me how I have no idea what I'm in for and want to shower me with their unsolicited opinions. I wanted to keep it between my husband and I. In fact, for the past several months I have been quite hermit-ish. I just wanted to roll up in a soft blanket, read, avoid all human contact, and just feel the miracle of my abdomen making space for an infant to grow. To quote Amy Poehler once again (last time, I promise): 

"I didn't tell anyone at first, as you are supposed to keep it secret. It's a really magical time, those first few weeks. It almost makes you wish you didn't have to tell anyone, ever. You could just watch your belly grow bigger and no one would be allowed to ask about it and you would have your baby and a year later you would allow visitors to finally come and meet your little miracle." 

But this is not just about me. It's about my husband too, and my sweet husband has been so patient. He was so excited to tell people, and I wanted people to know that Vaughn finally gets to be a father. He's going to be a great one. We told our families. We told some close friends. That felt safe. Then we made it public, and it felt very jarring and invasive. I don't mean this to sound like it was a bad thing. I don't regret the timing. I was just surprised. I had never realized how much it places any woman in an extremely vulnerable position though. This knowledge gives you a keyhole view into something beautiful, miraculous, and private. Please be kind. This is new for me. For us, my husband and I. And allow us the space to ride this roller coaster called pregnancy as we choose. 

I have appreciated all the support and love we have felt. There has truly been an outpouring of love that has made my heart swell. Thank you. 

Those That Mourn.

source: livescience.com

I have been trying to write this blog for weeks, and I never felt I could quite get it right. I don't know if it's right yet, but here it is. 

2016 has been a rough year. Not just because of the election, which contributed, but because it has been filled with many discouraging and heart breaking challenges. I have said goodbye to a friend who died in a car accident, I have seen the loss of infants, I have seen a loved one succumb to mental illness, and another give in to old addictions. My husband and I have not been able to start a family we desperately want, and I have witnessed this same pain in very near and dear friends. I have developed another injury in my foot, further hindering me from running and doing things I've been working towards for years. I have battled depression and anxiety, and don't feel equipped to combat them. 

I don't express these things to throw a pity party. I don't intend to make it sound like my life is harder than anyone else's. It's not. We all have our tragedies. I say this because it's important to talk about your challenges. When you talk about them, it opens the doors for others to talk about theirs also. We are a family of humans, and we are capable of sharing one another's burdens.  It helps us fulfill our baptismal covenants of "mourning with those that mourn." 

But these aren't things I want to dwell on this year. I don't want to look back on 2016 and call it a "year of grief," although it has sometimes felt like that. I have been angry with God; I have been frustrated with how things have worked out. "But I prayed to you! But I have done what you asked me! Where is my miracle?" However, Heavenly Father has lovingly redirected my perspective to view my personal challenges differently.

In April of this year, E. Donald L. Hallstrom gave a talk called "I Am a Child of God," where he said this:

"When difficult things occur in our lives, what is our immediate response? Is it confusion or doubt or spiritual withdrawal? Is it a blow to our faith? Do we blame God or others for our circumstances? Or is our first response to remember who we are—that we are children of a loving God? Is that coupled with an absolute trust that He allows some earthly suffering because He knows it will bless us, like a refiner’s fire, to become like Him and to gain our eternal inheritance?"

source: lds media

And again, God redirected my coping efforts through this talk from Elder Bednar:

"Is the load I am carrying producing the spiritual traction that will enable me to press forward with faith in Christ on the strait and narrow path and avoid getting stuck? Is the load I am carrying creating sufficient spiritual traction so I ultimately can return home to Heavenly Father?

...

In essence, the Savior is beckoning us to rely upon and pull together with Him, even though our best efforts are not equal to and cannot be compared with His. As we trust in and pull our load with Him during the journey of mortality, truly His yoke is easy and His burden is light.

We are not and never need be alone. We can press forward in our daily lives with heavenly help. Through the Savior’s Atonement we can receive capacity and 'strength beyond [our] own.'"

Throughout scripture we see that God doesn't always alleviate burdens in the way we expect. As Elder Bednar describes, we think happiness is the lack of challenges. But it's not. Jesus gives abundantly. Jesus shows mercy. Jesus provides. 

The beatitudes in Matthew 5 list attributes we are encouraged to have, but the one that has stuck out to me is in verse 4: "Blessed are they that mourn: for they will be comforted." It's the beatitude that requires us to do and be nothing. That's what the grace of Christs looks like. No matter who we are, we have access to Christ's comfort. We don't have to be worthy or do anything. This has been tremendously encouraging to me this year, knowing that I deserve none of the blessings that I receive. And yet, Christ continues to provide 12 baskets-full of excess.

I am grateful for the holidays coming at the end of the year, after the exhaustion of previous months. I am grateful for the opportunity to end  the year on a high note, regardless of what the year held. 

I have felt an outpouring of love from my Savior, and also from sweet neighbors and friends who have been His hands in my life.

As I seek peace and comfort in this blessed time of year, I hope you do too. I hope you can seek The One who succors all of us, and can bring you some much needed rest after a tumultuous year. Rest up, friends. Enjoy those new released movies, the Gilmore Girls, the cozy nooks, the soft scarves. 

source: Cloistered Away

Stop Reading Books You Hate.

Dear Fellow Bookworms,

I'm going to tell you something you already know. Books are life blood, the bright sinews that tie us together as a human race. They thread different ages, different cultures, different people together. They're beautiful and intricate, doors to worlds beyond our own and perspectives of people we will never meet around the world. Literary fluency teaches you empathy for others. Books make you kinder. Books place new glasses over your eyes to see the world in an unfamiliar tint. They are precious commodities we cannot take for granted.

Problem is, books don't always have this effect. Sometimes you're reading a book your best friend said was good or was recommended by some podcaster. Maybe you feel like you should read something cuz "it's a classic." Is that really why we read though? to add to our number of books read on Goodreads? To appease the general public? To keep up with the Joneses? No. That's dumb. Listen, there are not enough hours in the day to spend your rare leisure time reading books that you're not excited to read. This is a fact. 

But I know it's hard. Because I hold books in such high regard, I often have a hard time knowing when to say "Uncle" on a novel I don't like. I stubbornly want to finish books, no matter if they are good or not. As if I can make them better if I finish them, or maybe the ending will be SO GOOD that I won't remember the mud I slogged through to get there. Like how mother's forget the pain of labor when they see their beautiful babies. Or what about the authors!? They put so much hard work into creating this story for us. I want to do their work justice by giving them an honest try. OR more likely, I'll not want to put the time already devoted to starting the book to totally go to waste. Like I can make that time come back. It does neither of these things. It just wastes more of your time allowing a dementor-book to suck out your soul. 

Then I heard Josh Clark in the podcast Stuff You Should Know talk about Nancy Pearl's Rule of Fifty. If you don't know who she is, she's a reputable librarian. You can always trust a librarian when it comes to reading books. She basically says to give a book fifty pages before judging whether or not it's worth your time. If after fifty pages you still don't want to keep reading, then don't. Put it down and look elsewhere. The only stipulation is if you're OVER fifty years old, then you obviously need to be more picky about what you spend your time doing because, well, to put it bluntly, your time running out. So if you're over fifty, subtract your age from 100, and the difference is the number of pages to read before drop it. If you're 100 years old, guess what? You DO get to judge a book by its cover. 

Nancy Pearl's advice has since saved me from using precious time reading books that just don't suit me. Applying this tool, I recently abandoned the book Girl Waits With Gun by Amy Stewart. I reeeeeally wanted to like this book. It is based on real historical figures, one of which is a female sheriff in the early 20th century by the name of Constance Kopp. The plot sounds perfect for my style: Strong female lead, crime solving, breaking sexist stereotypes. But writing about a historical figure in first person feels a bit presumptuous and it sort of fell flat with me. I felt like I should care about the characters and the other Kopp sisters. But I didn't. Like Stewart had to tip-toe around historical fact and didn't want to make too many assumptions with character development. I might pick this up another time, but right now it just didn't jive with me.

And that's okay! It's not a failure. It just wasn't right for me right now. The idea of "wasting time" is such an arrogant phrase. "It wasn't worth my time," as if I am really particular about how I spend every minute of every day. (scroll scroll, double tap, like). But reading should be for your benefit, and if you're flogging yourself to finish this book or that book because it's a classic or because someone said you'd like it, then stop. 

There are so many books out there to pick from. There are books you will LOVE, and books that aren't your cup of tea. Every time you walk into the library or local bookstore, you're on a journey to find a book that makes you feel alive. Find something that will actually fill you up with light. Something that makes you think, make you feel something. Something that inspires you or excites you. Go forth and READ, but make it good. 

My Husband Described.

You know how there was that trend going around a bit ago about the three fictional characters who describe us best? Well, this is my evolution of it.
(drum roll please?)
My husband as described....in Parks and Rec characters.



Anyone who knows me knows that I am a big fan of Parks and Rec. Second probably only to my little sister Jayna, who watches it daily. There are few things that can raise my spirits like a word from little Pawnee, Indiana. Aside from the uncanny resemblance of my personal traits to its main character, Leslie Knope, it has genius comedic value, phenomenal character development throughout, and such solid casting. Five stars, would recommend.
I realize this is deeply self-indulgent, and I do. not. care.
For those of you who know him and/or love P&R, I hope you enjoy this. Those of you who don't... you're about to.
Of all the characters in the show, I have meticulously calculated that Vaughn is composed of the following:
31% Ron Swanson
2% Tom Haverford
26% Andy Dwyer
3% Chris Traeger
6% Jerry (Larry, Gary) Gergich
32% Ben Wyatt

How? Allow me to explain.

Ron Swanson (31%)

Vaughn is a pretty grumpy guy, crotchety-old-guy-on-a-stoop status. He hates change and would be pleased to wake up at the same time every morning, eat the same breakfast, do the same thing, and live in the same house for the entirety of his life. He has a heart of gold, but you have to dig through a grumpy exterior to find it. He also has simple loves, a general distaste for puppies, likes some GD peace and quiet, and he hates that Google knows where he lives. He also frequently says "everyone are idiots," and hates large groups of people.



Tom Haverford (2%)


Vaughn isn't really like Tom in any way, except he sings really obnoxiously to get my attention basically every minute of every day. Like so:



Andy Dwyer (26%)

You know him as the sexy Chris Pratt. To me, he is forever Andy Dwyer. He plays guitar and loves candy. His dream job is being a rockstar, but in actuality ends up playing gigs at kid's parties (is this not the perfect occupation for Vaughn?) And like the man I married, he also has a silly misunderstanding of how technology works and is crazy great with kids because he's basically still a child himself.

\

Chris Tregger (3%)

I LOVE Chris Traeger. He is a secondary character without whom my heart would be incomplete. Vaughn isn't a health nut like Mr. Traeger is (see description of Andy Dwyer), but this man can run for daaaaaays. Vaughn's resting heart rate is lower than a dead man's. Plus, he's slightly neurotic about organization and cleanliness, and when he gets sick, you'd think it's the plague for how melodramatic he is.



Jerry / Gary / Larry (6%)

POOR JERRY. Jerry has the worst luck of anyone on television ever. Such as it is with my husband. He is talented, lovable, but gets shafted in everything. He is never recognized for all that he does, and he is living proof that Murphy's Law is alive and well.
AND Jerry's got a smokin' hot wife, just like Vaughn does. ;)
Waa waaaaaa.


Ben Wyatt (32%)

Oh my love, Mr. Ben Wyatt. He is my heart throb on this show, which makes sense because he is most like my husband. Vaughn may not be as nerdy in the same type of things, but interests aside, his personality is pretty Ben Wyatt-y. They have similar views on Facebook and has accepted the official role of reining in his crazy girlfriend. Vaughn tolerates me pretty well, and is the only person able to talk down my crazy.
What you're about to see is actual footage of my husband.
Every time I open my mouth:

Every time I show affection:

Every time he thinks I'm not looking:

Every time he wakes up from a nap:


If you made it this far, BRAVO. Now you may know a little bit more about Vaughn. Or maybe you just have a strong desire to go binge watch Parks and Rec. I support both responses.
Vaughn is one spectacular guy. If you haven't met him, you should. But he's probably busy talking down his cuckoo wife from a pedestal of overreaction or intentionally singing the wrong lyrics to a pop song on the radio.

Much love, dude.

When Autumn Leaves Start to Fall

Ahh, fall is in full swing and I am in looove. Fall is my favorite season. Hands down. No contest. After the sticky, sweaty, oven-like summer, the autumnal winds and frost are a welcome reprieve.

I love fall for all the typical, white girls, cliche reasons: crunchy leaves, brisk mornings, layers, cute boots, hot chocolate, chapped lips, pumpkin spiced baked goods, you don't have to shave your legs ever, the temperatures -- after a couple days of the jacket on-or-off shuffle -- are ideal. I get to put away my bulky, R2D2-sized window AC unit and re-establish my beautiful book shelf's proper place in my living room. As far as seasons go, this one smells the best. The candle scents for autumn are bomb.

And let's all take a minute to remember that THIS is where I get to live:

For me though, this time of year is great for more sentimental reasons. Fall is when I met my husband, we have LDS general conference in the fall (see my post about that here) and it is when I start getting excited for Christmas. In fact, I think I love the preparation for Christmas more than the actual day of celebration . I'm that person who has all her Christmas shopping done by Thanksgiving because I cannot wait to do it!

Fall has the best activities too. Communities really come together around this time for football season or trunk or treats. I personally do not fall on the sports side of the spectrum, but nonetheless I do have fond memories of spending chilly Friday nights at the high school stadium with my friends. Then there are corn mazes, pumpkin patches, hay rides, jumping in leaves, farmer's markets, apple-picking, mountain drives to see the fall colors, festivals, Homecoming, bonfires, etc... Check Pinterest for a cornucopia of to-do lists to make you feel like you're not celebrating fall as enthusiastically as everyone else. My personal fave: Hiking. It's way better in the fall because you don't get sunburned and sweaty. and that beauty! Sorry Summer, you just can't compete with that color palette.

And y'all, fall harvest is no joke. I love the warm veggies in season right now. Pumpkin, butternut squash, acorn squash, yams, kale. Did I say pumpkin? I am always on that bandwagon. As far as baked goods at least. Pancakes, cookies, breads, brownies... It gives such a good, fudgy texture to everything you put it in. YUM. If you have never had pumpkin puree in a baked something, you are missing out and regardless of if you have a "Fall Bucket List" or not, write this down. I have already made three batches of pumpkin spice flavored cookies (two batches of this and one batch of this).

But ironically, my least favorite holiday all year is Halloween. I know, I know. Heresy! "We're gonna make you sit down and watch Hocus Pocus on repeat until you say you like it!" But hear me out. I don't like scary movies, I think getting a costume ready can be exhausting and if I'm not on a stage, I often feel uncomfortable in one. And honestly, I think I grew up thinking it was a satanic holiday that a good Christian girl like myself wasn't supposed to like. But that's neither here nor there because this year I am determined to get more into Halloween. Like, it's sort of dumb, but I've made myself a "Halloween Prep Checklist" of things I want to do to actually enjoy it rather than tolerate it like I usually do.

-Watch Halloweentown (check, wowza childhood!)

-Watch Hocus Pocus (check)

-Watch Charlie Brown and the Great Pumpkin (check)

-Watch Sleepy Hollow (check)
-Create a pretty basic, fun costume I'm stoked about, but is low-key enough I won't feel uncomfortable about it.
-Read H.G. Wells' The Invisible Man (check)

-Read The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson (in progress, and you're gonna want to click that link)

-Read Dracula by Bram Stoker (jk, just got a book from the library I've had on hold for ages. So.... good intentions, though, right?)

-Listen to spooky short stories by H.P. Lovecraft (in progress, this man had a dark pit of a mind)
-Carve a pumpkin, despite my obvious lack of artistic talent in that area. I even have the epitome of Pumpkin Perfection!

this lil chunk was sitting all by its lonesome in the patch,
waiting for a loving owner.

Another great thing about fall? You don't have to do anything at all to still think it's wonderful. And since everyone else is taking the chilly weather as an opportunity to hermit up in their homes to binge watch Stranger Things again, no one will even notice if you don't make it to the corn maze. You do you, man.

All this aside, I also love fall for the physical reminder that life does come in seasons. God has given us a sweet, gentle cradle of transition time to go from the hot summer nights to the frost cold of winter. God intended for things to ebb and flow, to grow and to die away. For me, fall is a time of the old dying away and an opportunity of a fresh start. With the crisp smell that accompanies each blissful fall day comes also the feeling of starting over. It's more powerful than a New Year's Resolution. Like when you were a kid and you always entered your first day of school, excited for a fresh start. Fall is an opportunity I want each of us to take, with deep breaths and open arms.

And if any of you have any suggestions for how to get more excited about Halloween (short of anything that will give me nightmares), shoot them my way!

Fall is where it's at, friends. Enjoy.

Call and Response

Today is Monday. Monday, October 3rd. This is no ordinary Monday. 

And it's not because it's the day mentioned in Mean Girls.

It's because for us Mormons, it is the day after General Conference. Twice a year, in April and October, we have a weekend full of spiritual uplift where leaders of our church speak to our global congregation. It is broadcast out of Salt Lake City, but their messages of guidance and love reach living rooms, meetinghouses and stake centers from rural Africa to urban Hong Kong. 

In the weeks and days leading up to this tremendous opportunity, we are encouraged to think of questions and concerns that are plaguing our minds and our hearts and prepare ourselves for the messages we are about to hear. We share miraculous stories of answered prayers and strong impressions from the Spirit directing us to do some very specific things. Start a family, go on a mission, marry that person you're dating, prepare to go through the temple, etc... I'm not here to say it's not worth the hype. General Conference is a very unique opportunity for Latter-Day Saints to hear from modern-day prophets and to hear messages divinely appointed. For me, the messages shared at General Conference are modern day scripture straight from the mouth of the Lord. And I do my best to treat it that way.

However, I recognize we don't all benefit from this typical approach. It is unrealistic to think every 6 months we will have that deep spiritual experience we often hope to have just by watching the telly for a few hours. And if God is a loving father who knows how to give good gifts to his children, he will give according to our needs. He knows not all of us learn the same way. We can't expect from ourselves to experience the messages of General Conference exactly the same.

The realistic expectation of General Conference looks like this:

10AM: Enjoy a traditionally large and carb-heavy breakfast while Mormon Tabernacle Choir sings us into the first session.

10:15 Take notes actively, write down everything said

10:30 Notes taking slows, hands cramp

10:35 Start coloring in a coloring book to stay awake and retain focus.

10:59 Breakfast-induced coma. Notes have amounted to writing the name of the speaker and topic they're talking about. 

11:00 Stand and walk around for intermediate hymn. Refill breakfast plate.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

You gotta say, there is a whole lot of information to take in at once. To tell you the truth, my attention span sucks. I doze off more than I'd like to admit. But this doesn't make me a terrible person. It's not that I'm not spiritual enough to enjoy conference. And if you struggle in a similar way with sitting through 8-10 hours of conference, don't fret! In my opinion, what you do after Conference has far more impact on your life than what you do during. (this is NOT to say you shouldn't make it a priority to watch the conference live. I would still highly enocurage it!) But how do we plan to respond to His call?

Now if the typical approach to watching General Conference allows you to get all out of it that you need to, then by all means, sally forth! Personally, that doesn't work for me. Here's what does. (and because I am who I am, I MUST MAKE A LIST).

1. Do not go into Conference with Questions.

I swear I'm not being blasphemous. I'm just really stubborn and self-centered, so if I spend time thinking about questions I have, I will ignore everything else said in Conference that doesn't pertain to that question. I get tunnel vision, and I miss messages that I really need to hear. And let's face it, I know a whole lot less about what I actually need to hear than Heavenly Father does.

In my experience, the answers I seek have rarely come from watching the sessions of Conference. Rather, the words spoken and the Spirit brought from Conference teaches me and reminds me how to find the answers I seek. I used to be frustrated that the talks at Conference were shallow and how they never addressed specific challenges or questions pertaining to me. They say the same things every Conference. Like clockwork, there will be a talk about Christ, about the temple, about family, about prayer, about scripture study, about repentance, about the Atonement, about faith in the prophet... You can anticipate these topics, but it does not diminish their value. I have found that as I watch the sessions, the most powerful promptings I experience aren't in the specific words said. Instead, the Spirit tugs my heart strings about specific things I can do to find strength and hope.

2. Take notes -- wisely.

I believe this was under the direction of Elder Bednar, but I've gotten in the habit of drawing a line down the page of my notes. On one side I write things I like from the talk, who is speaking, the overall theme. On the other side I write promptings that are for me personally. Often these have little to do with the talks. Read this, study that, pray about this, seek an opportunity to serve this sister.

3. Reread said notes.

After the conference, I go back through my notes and consolidate them into four sections: themes throughout the entire conference (i.e. five speakers spoke specifically about repentance!), things to study (Preach My Gospel!), things to pray about (How can I analyze political and social issues in a Christian way?), and personal inspiration (call your mom!).

4. Read the talks.

I learn better through reading than I do listening, so when the November Ensign magazine comes to my door I gobble it up. I study each talk thoroughly, starting with the ones I noted liking especially from Conference. I make sure to read each one through. If I don't, it becomes to easy to only read the talks that make me feel good. You know the ones. The talks that we take to be a personal pat on the back. Similar to how we approach our social media intake and news outlets, we lean in to the talks that give us a warm fuzzy feeling and soothe our egos. And then ignore the talks that speak to things I really need to improve upon.

It is different for everyone. My intent is not to tell you how to approach your Conference experience. But rather to help us see that we are not all cookie cutter Molly Mormons who have to benefit in exactly the same ways as everyone else. 

Last General Conference there was a talk by an apostle that I just really didn't like. With all the craziness of the world, I felt this one was petty and unimportant and why would this man think this is the most important concept to talk about for all the saints? As I was reading through the talks, after Conference, I could tell I was procrastinating reading that one. It didn't feel like it applied to me, and worse, I justified it by thinking "Well, it wasn't THE prophet speaking, so it can't be that crucial." Upon reading it again, it was like the scales had fallen from my eyes. There were nuggets extremely important to me personally and to my future family. How easily I could have ignored this talk! How grateful I am that the Spirit tugged on me until I read it and received the message I needed to hear.

That is the beauty of the Gospel. In Christ, we can chisel, bit by bit, at our imperfections in hope and faith of becoming the daughter and son that God intended us to become. General Conference is a tool in this chiseling we cannot allow to grow rusty on our work bench. General Conference should mean so much more to us than a weekend of couch time and cinnamon rolls. It should resound with us for months and months, and roll on into eternity.

I know Heavenly Father speaks to us through his followers, and provides us a special and personal opportunity to hear the messages we need from our church leaders. I am grateful that God answers prayers and always provides a way back home to him. God keeps his promises.

Podcast Pearls {02}

Stuff You Should Know: 

Research Tips from SYSK

I've said it before, but SYSK is my go-to podcast. When I hear that cheesy elevator swing music, I feel like my ears have come home. I love Josh and Chuck and how they approach the wide variety of topics, and do a great job of being entertaining and looking at both sides of the coin. This podcast about how to gather valuable research as a responsible adult in today's age. Sound boring? Maybe, but it is very valid for us as educated individuals looking for truth in a swamp of half truths and strong wills. Science does not prove any religion. Science does not make you a republican or a democrat. Anyone can find someone and some article to agree with them. Educated adults are colanders who sift through the sources of their information to get the good stuff. You're not a sponge who's supposed to soak up all information until you're saturated with "well researched opinions." These research tips from my buddies Josh and Chuck help us sort through the muck to get to what science is actually saying and what we can safely deduce from it.

Here are some questions to ask yourself when evaluating the weight and value of a study or one of those clickbait articles you see as you scroll through your social media feeds.

• Who / what was studied in this experiment?  I think the most staggering nugget of information from the podcast was that most studies (80% according to a 2010 survey) used what is referred to as WEIRD test subjects. WEIRD stands for those who are Western-Educated from Industrialized, Rich and Democratic countries. What's worse is this demographic makes up only 12% of the world's population! That spells bad news bears when it comes to statistics. How many of our scientific proof is only indicating truth for 12% of the world? How broad of a stroke is the study painting from that information? It's not only misleading, it comes from a deep crevice of privilege perpetuating ignorance in those of us born lucky. 

• How large is the sample size? Depending on what you're trying to prove, but the vast majority of studies done should be chalked up as "preliminary studies" for how small their sample size is. 12 people? nope, can't use those numbers. That doesn't carry any further than information about those 12 people. 

• Is it repeatable? More importantly, has it been repeated? Often you will read about a study that shows such and such correlation. That scientist will get roses thrown at her feet and more plaques for her wall, but the scientist who retests it to confirm in a study independent of the first gets no funding and no glamour shots. With such a fast paced technology and engineering driven world, we want answers immediately. We pay extremely intelligent people to get us answers fast. Unfortunately, science is not fast. Clinical studies and lab research  take years and years to come to a conclusion that can hold water. Without repeated testing, there is a 5% chance that any study will show a correlation just due to random chance. The media has a tendency to take and run with studies, and that 5% is a margin I am not comfortable with.
• Who is funding this study? Confirmation bias is a real thing, and if you have a multi-billion dollar company signing your checks, you have a bit of pressure to give complimentary results. Scientists will through out results and call them "outliers," but science is not something you can treat like a buffet. You have to take those nasty kalamata olives of test results in your salad whether it leaves a bad taste in your mouth or not. 

I worked as a research assistant in college, and we had a course all about how to read scientific articles from academic journals. For the most part, you only read the abstract, sometimes the intro, and the conclusion to get an idea of what is in the journal. You only look further at the rest of the chicken scratch if you're trying to repeat the study or if you want to tear it apart. My professor gave me this snarky handout to help interpret the scientific muck:

And admittedly, when it came time for me to write my own academic paper on my research, I followed some of these same guidelines. I can't tell you how many drafts I re-wrote due to my supervisor telling me to spice it up with bigger words to prove my intelligence--whether I was saying anything or not. 

There are major issues with how scientific research is funded and performed today. For example, if your study is non-conclusive or if you didn't get the results you wanted, then it is really difficult to publish. This leaves hundreds of other scientists trying to scramble to do the same thing as you, but coming up with the same result. This type of competitiveness is wasting crucial, much-needed academic money and the time of some brilliant scientists around the world.

My good friend John Oliver also has the hard and fast (and a wee bit explicit) version of what Josh and Chuck have to say too.

Please please listen to this podcast! It's great. If you can eat this stuff up, SYSK has another episode about The Scientific Method that acts as a good companion to this one. 

Remember, you're a colander, not a sponge. 

Do your homework and be an educated adult. 

Where the Light Shines Through.

In the past few weeks, terrible tragedies have occurred. Big heartbreaks that have reminded me what a charmed life I live most of the time. My neighbors lost their 5 week old baby, a friend from back home died in a car accident, and some dear friends of ours lost their baby to cancer. Death seems to be a frequent companion as of late. But through many tears and heartfelt prayers, light continues to shine through. I have been strongly impressed with the spirits of the mourning families. Their testimonies of the Gospel of Christ have edified so many, and I have learned much from their strength and examples of faith. 

When I heard the news of the deaths of these beautiful sons of God, my heart ached for the families and loved ones. All I saw was darkness. Why would this happen to such good people? How will they ever stop crying over their loss? I saw it as a harsh defeat, undeserved. All I could imagine was the deep sorrow these families are trudging through. But boy was I proven wrong. They have been blessed with the knowledge of the Gospel. Armed with those sacred truths, they understand this isn't the end. They will see their loved ones again. These families know where their sons, brothers, and friends have gone, and best of all, who they're with. Their perspective is truly beautiful, and that's because they see the Gospel clearly and radiantly. And it is splendid. Dwelling on the sadness of the circumstances distracts us from the joy knowing these sons are with their loving Heavenly Father. We may miss them here on earth, but it is but a moment in the grand scheme of things. These boys are home. 

One speaker at my friend Dalton's funeral said, "His life was not cut short. He touched the spirits he was intended to and Heavenly Father called him home when his work here was finished."  My friend, with a heart for God's work, perfectly described as "a big, excited man" by a mission companion, left when he was meant to. God does not make mistakes. 

Echoing this sentiment, my friend who lost her ten month old baby said "We know that Leland had already achieved what he needed to here on earth and has victoriously conquered this earth life and goes before us, surrounding us, ready to bless us with the presence of his spirit and help us in our journeys." It was a victory that he was no longer in pain and he left us all blessed for knowing him. Who knew someone so small could make such an impact on a community. 

I am grateful for knowing these families will see their loved ones again soon. Their testimonies stand strong and tall in the fog of sorrow. I know these sweet sons of God are in the arms of their Heavenly Father, and I know there's a reason they were called home sooner than the rest of us. I know families are eternal and divine, and I draw great comfort knowing these families knew it too. I know "that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good" (D&C122:7), even though we don't always understand right now. In a recent BYUI devotional, Darryl Foutz said,
"because it is our Father's plan—who is perfect—then by some deductive reasoning this is a perfect test, designed specifically for you and for me." This is His perfect plan, and he has given us every reason to trust in it. 

These tragedies weren't caused by God, but rather allowed for a purpose that is far grander than we can foresee right now. Perhaps the trials we face today aren't necessarily for us. Maybe it's to teach us empathy, or to know how to help others when we see them experience tragedies. These faithful families know their strength comes from above, and they refuse to "stop singing the song of redeeming love." (Alma 5:26)

As much as I want to take the pain from these families, I know I can't imagine what they're going through. But I am familiar with the one who can. Christ has gone to the depths of sorrow, and through His Atonement and His love can we be made whole again. I draw great comfort knowing the Savior has the deepest empathy for each spirit grieving. Christ is there to grant the strength we need. And to remind us where the light gets in. Always always.